vivacious photography

newness...

2009-06-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

Hi You,

So, i've got something to tell you.
I'm moving...blogs.

I know...this may be your first time here, or we could be old pals and what....you're moving?

You see, last spring i had a goal. That goal was to make a website to showcase my photographs, and that I did. But it was like pulling teeth. It brought up lots of stuff around worth, fear of success and putting myself out there. By the time I finished the site, well...truth be told, I wasn't that excited about it.

Jumping to this spring, it definitely felt like time to take the next step. Its one of those times where its really a matter of clarifying one's goal. With the last website my goal was simply "to have a website". This time my goal was to "make a website that is vibrant, shows my photos well, is affordable, and has me inspired to update it regularly". I also really wanted to have it feel like my online home, and to have everything in one space, including my blog. I've been in this space for a shocking 4 years now, so in my opinion I'm overdue for change!

And it happened. Once I found Squarespace and found out how easy it is to work with...there was no turning back. It took no emotional turmoul from me, just a whole lot of fun. So I've found a new home...one that feels whole, inspiring, and very me!

So here it is...

www.viviennemcmaster.com

I'd love it if you'd join me at my new blog there. I promise it'll be good old me, lots of photos, more photoshoots and i've been doing lots of writing about doing self-portraits that i'm excited to share.

Before I leave I have one more thing to tell you! I'm completely giddy and honored to have been a part of Liz Lamoreux's Interview series 'Nine'. It was such a great experience to answer her questions via images. Check it out here!

Okay...it actually feels a little tough to press 'publish' and let go of this blog, but its time for newness!
Hope to see you there!

Love,
~v

this day

2009-06-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

loneliness did its best to commandeer me today.
hit me like a slap in the face,
followed me like a predatory stalker,
until i succumbed to it.

luckily, like the sun breaking through the cloud cover in todays sky
smiles, belly laughs, connecting, kindness
each in their own gentle way soothed the grumpy, lonely bits until they felt loved again.

i love that sometimes life has a way of reminding you of its beauty
exactly when you really need it.

my feline family

2009-06-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

they are of frequent mention in this space, so i thought it was due time for a formal introduction.

miss ladybug, princess to the max, fierce meower, lap sitter, dreams of being a world traveller, big eyed feline of love.

and

elliot, fan of brushing, foods, treats and especially sitting in boxes, official household alarmclock, total sweet pea.

now, off for some cuddles and purring!

for the love of film

2009-06-02T20:56:00.001-07:00

I just got my my first roll of film back from my california trip....and oh...my love for film deepened tenfold. There's such a sharpness and colour density to film that truly doesn't translate to digital. These pictures have me super excited because just before I went away I did a trade with a friend, a gigantic bag of yarn for more than a dozen rolls of expired film....so there's no need to hold back on shooting film at all.

Both my film and digital SLR's take the same lenses. I hadn't played around with using my macro on my film camera too much, but as the following photos attest to...I'm fairly addicted to it now! Its such a different experience taking pictures with film now, as opposed to when I was young. I'm not one of those people that can tell stories about being 8, picking up my first camera, and having my world view changed. Not that there weren't cameras around. I always had one at summer camp and so loved taking pictures of all my camp pals. But there was something about receiving that package of photos that was both exhilerating and frustrating. I'd only get a few good shots. I think way back then I was already a photographic perfectionist in a way that I'm not with any other creative endeavor. Sewing? Give me unfinished seams. Painting? Give me layers of messyness. Collage? Give me ripped pages. Guitar? I know a ton of cords, not by what they are called but by how they sound. But photography brings out the perfectionist in me. Big time!

I'm so glad I took so many pictures of this trip. Both film, digital and my self-portrait series can swiftly bring me back to the feelings of wholeness I felt there. Sigh. And so my photo~love grows....

bench monday

2009-05-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

i've been loving all of the bench monday pictures that have been showing up in my flickr contact photostream these last few weeks. totally a concept right up my alley.

these last few days have been so socially busy that tonight i dedicated to lying on the couch with two purring felines, going in and out of napping and waking. but as the sun was setting i made myself get out of the house for a very small evening stroll, armed with my tripod (which i've missed so much...the logic in me not bringing it to california completely evades me) and my new lens i headed to the ravine nearby in search of some bench~like structures....and these two images show what i found....

vancity goodness

2009-05-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

dear vancouver.

i must commend you.
you're really doing your best to get me to fall for you.

i've been nestled back in between your mountains for a few weeks now
and i'm amazed at how much better i like you now compared to when i left you
(much to the chagrin of my toronto friends who'd like to kidnap me to their city).

you've been working hard at showing me your beautiful parts and people.
~the night market in chinatown
~gospel music at my favourite cafe
~folk and rock concerts galore
~a photoshoot with a beautiful friend
~homemade lemonade in wine glasses in the sunshine, complete with a laughing fit
~collecting shells on the beach
~seeing how much all of the babies have grown
~my beloved NIA dance class and the lovely ladies there
~feeling inspired to start running again
~sunshine, sunshine, sunshine, along with a beautiful breeze most days
~a few really lovely dear sweet friends (like the one along side me in these pics)

there are still plenty of moments that i'll think
"why don't i go to cafe gratitude today"
or
"i feel like taking pics in the mission today"
and totally forget where i am.

i still miss the east bay and san francisco like mad (and the lovelies i met there)
and would love to find myself back there some day.

but in general vancity, i think might like you after all!

now...if only i could manifest a way to winter somewhere else every year,
then vancouver, i think we could live happily ever after!

gratitude and rock n' roll

2009-05-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

I'm just chock full of gratitude right now. So much so that i can't sleep. you know those days...that are just so lovely that you know waking up tomorrow you won't feel quite as blissed out. I've had one of those. One of my dear dear friends played a show in my city tonight and made time to spend the afternoon with me. Usually I steal him away from the music world for an hour to grab sushi and connect so to have the whole afternoon....so grateful!

I finally gave in and bought the "nifty fifty" as Kate calls it...the Canon 50mm 1.4 lens. I've been eyeing it for a long time, tested it out whenever anyone would let me. Then today while researching what lenses are most popular for indoor concert shooting everyone was raving about it and well, that was that! I'd held out long enough! And I'm incredibly happy with it. It really allowed for far more great shots of tonight's show than I could normally get from my small arsenal of lenses.

My friends band The Cliks was touring as the opener for a band called The New York Dolls. Once the show began I noticed 3 rather tall dudes with very large cameras and lenses bombarding the front of the stage. A friend and I with our canon rebel's and smallish (but powerful) lenses held our own. Can't say they were the friendliest people I've ever encountered nor do I really understand the need for a gigantic zoom lens when you're about 3 feet from the subject. That said, if they were taking pictures that will help promote my friend, I'll be nice to them none the less!

I love how photography and music intersect. They both have a way of bringing me into the moment. Thats one of the things I love so much about seeing live music...its a moment in time that is happening, creating a state of sensory bliss. Photography does that in a different yet equally beautiful way. I love photographing live music...if you haven't tried it I highly recommend just bringing your camera to a show and being brave and trying it. Sometimes its the best seat (or usually lack of a seat) in the house being right there with a few lenses and a camera. There are times though that I need to make sure I put down the camera and really be present in experiencing the music.

I'm listening to The Cliks new album right now and every song I hear amazes me even more.

I'm a very very proud friend. Its really really beautiful to see people get the success they've worked so hard for. Here's a few shots from the night (more will appear on my flickr stream as I process them)!

sameness and difference

2009-05-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

slowly settling in.

simply going about my life here, in both its sameness and its difference from before. prioritizing connecting with a few good friends, slowly unpacking, eating nutritious food, making my home beautiful, dance class, running, going to concerts.

the other day i realized the biggest difference between then and now. before california and after. i was wandering on the railroad tracks, through a community garden on a solo adventure when i realized what wasn't there. loneliness. before i went away it was always there, wherever i went. over the last few years it got less powerful in my life but it was still there.

i don't miss it.

the nest

2009-05-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

the first thing he said when i arrived this morning was "i want to make a nest for my baby bird".
he had woken up in the middle of the night with this creative idea and was excited to make it happen.

i, pumped that he came up with a creative project unrelated to star wars, could barely hold my excitement about making a nest either.

and i must say, we rocked the nest making. it took quite a while (in kid terms), lots of layers, half a bottle of glue, some sticks and leaves and a whole lot of cardboard to make baby bird a lovely, sturdy permanent home.

to top it all off, he who refuses to be photographed (except the time when i convinced him that someone using the force had taken over my camera and i had no control of it) even let me capture the moment.

i heart making art with him.

as seen through my polaroid

2009-05-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

almost home

2009-05-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

standing within the mountains in kaslo, british columbia was a pretty lovely welcome back to my province. driving across it, from the more arid regions towards the deep lush kootenays, i couldn't help but fall for this truly beautiful place. connecting with old friends, most of whom i haven't seen in a decade, has me feeling pretty fulfilled too. its amazing how much people change and how essentially we remain the same.

now physically home in my cute little apartment, slowly bringing boxes and bags back in to be sorted. i'm totally craving newness...being sure to not put anything back exactly where it was before. i want to acknowledge change and also to feel newness around me despite not being somewhere new.

being back around my dear sweet friends...that feels like home. i couldn't wait another day to see a few people in this city, so they have definitely taken priority over unpacking.

and what will truly make my heart feel like home is those two meowing beings that are presently on their way back home to me! can't wait to hear them purr! i don't know if i'll be much of a wordy woman this week, what with cuddling with kitters and taking my time unpacking and all (oh, and work) but i have lots and lots to share...in due time!

bittersweet

2009-05-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

the train slowly rambled through the darkness, over and through mountains, past baby cows running in fields, geese having a feast, rusty old cars and wood shacks sinking into the ground. it felt like the perfect way to get myself up the coast towards home.

now in portland (which i love just as much as i love the bay area) hanging out with my sister, drinking my favourite coffee, the best gluten free muffins and cracking each other up big time. tomorrow i'll keep going north, arrive home, only to pack up a small backpack and leave again.

i'll be heading into the interior of british columbia (which is breathtakingly beautiful) to meet up with friends i haven't seen in a decade, hop in a car together and head out to nelson to a wedding. only a quick trip though and then back i home to vancouver where it'll be time to get myself grounded, unpack, get out my beautiful green bike and go for a ride, see what's blooming, get ready for the arrival of my beloved kitters, hug sweet friends and see how much all the lil' ones have grown since i've been gone.

its kind of bittersweet (just like my fave cafe in oakland...sigh, oakland).
these last few months have been really good to me. my heart doesn't have the heaviness it had been carrying around for years and years. i don't feel that big ball of bitterness anymore. i was feeling really disheartened by vancouver when i left and now i feel much more open to seeing if i can make life there feel as happy as it was when i was away...and if not, well then i'll just follow where ever my happiness leads me.

i'm a cat lady

2009-05-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

i've been avoiding a certain photo file on my computer for months now, knowing that if i looked in it i would need a full box of tissues handy to deal with the waterworks. its the file called 'kitters'.

while i've been in california my cats ladybug and elliot (the above photo is of miss lady) have been bonding with my parents in montreal. way back in the fall i called them in tears asking for them to help me after my potential cat sitter options all fell through. little did i know how lovely it would be to hear the way my folks talked about the kitters, hearing how they have bonded with my brother and gotten to know his amazing cat ulysses, knowing that they too have fallen a little bit (or a lot) for these miniscule feline beings that i so adore.

tonight i was finally ready to gaze at photos of their little adorable faces, ladybug and her alien-esque eyes and billy (elliot) and his cute belly. although i'm still in total denial that i'm leaving this lovely place, the thought of being back together with those adorable beings has me a wee bit excited to head home. 15 sleeps till i get to curl up with them again!

***be sure to follow the above link to a truly wonderful video by my brother's talented friend***

ode to the east bay {part one}

2009-04-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

dearest east bay

i'm in denial that you and i will soon part.
complete and total denial.

and i'm crazy about you.
totally head over heels.
when we met it was like i knew you already
as though i was meant to be here.

at first it was the smiles,
the way i feel seen,
the way ladies dress here (just like me),
the coffee shops with sabrina ward harrison artwork,
the most beautiful cemetery nearby to photowalk in,
the lemon tree in the backyard,
the flowers in bloom,
the amazing food at cafe gratitude,
the immense beauty of the berkeley hills,
the sunshine and springtime thawing my heart,

and then east bay, you outdid yourself,
you gave me friends, amazing ones,
total keepers.

oh rockridge, piedmont, oakland, berkeley,
every book i pick up reads your name,
everywhere i look i see reasons i love you.

so what are we gonna do east bay?
its like we're a love affair that just got started.
perhaps thats the best way to end an affair that just can't be.
to leave while things are still at a peak
and be grateful for what we had together

love
~v

storytelling

2009-04-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

words aren't coming easy to me these last few days. i'm stumbling over them in conversation and when fingers meet keyboard. but it feels like i have a lot of stories to tell in images, i'm going to let them be the storyteller here for a bit!

all the ingredients

2009-04-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

To Build A Swing
by Hafiz, translated by Daniel Landinsky

You carry
All the ingredients
To turn your life into a nightmare-
Don't mix them!

You have all the genius
To build a swing in your backyard
For God.

That sounds
Like a hell of a lot more fun.
Let's start laughing, drawing blueprints,
Gathering our talented friends.

I will help you
With my divine lyre and drum.

Hafiz
Will sing a thousand words
You can take into your hands,
Like golden saws,
Silver hammers,

Polished teakwood
Strong silk rope.

You carry all the ingredients
To turn your existence into joy,

Mix them, mix them!

the story of a girl and a sunset

2009-04-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

wordless wednesday

2009-04-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

landing softly

2009-04-17T12:19:00.001-07:00

its near the time i have to head north again. when i first left i would almost cry at the thought of having to go home. not that vancouver isn't lovely, but i had a catalogue of disappointments and unmet expectations built up from the last few years that had me dreading my return. i can't say i've let go of all of them, but a good chunk of them don't have the hold on me that they did when i left.

i mean, vancouver is a pretty beautiful place to live. i could list all the reasons i don't love it, but instead i'd like to approach going back as though it was a new place, because i feel fairly changed and wonder how much of my struggles with vancouver is just it mirroring back what I was going through there....that if I am looking for newness and beauty that is what i'll find.

so, to try and not have a bit let down upon my return i've been pondering some ideas of how to make it a good homecoming. i've started this list of ideas of how to make sure there is lots of beauty awaiting me.

~register for the classes i'm most inspired by at the college where i'm working on a photography diploma. a darkroom class as well as another alternative photographic processes class....so excited for these!

~make a blurb book from some of the thousands of pictures i've taken while i've been here. i'm definitely going to do this....it'll be such a good keepsake and also be a good way for me to show and tell about the trip with friends back home.

~make some friend dates for promptly upon my return. i miss these beautiful souls and am so excited to sit in front of them again!

~make a hair appointment with my fabulous friend who is the only one i trust to cut my hair

~put some books i'm excited to read on hold at the library so that they are waiting for me to pick up as soon as i get back...that way i'll have some inspiration awaiting me.

i'd so love any suggestions or stories about ways you've created a good homecoming for yourselves and avoided the post-trip blues!

and then she became bokeh

2009-04-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

her laugh was always the loudest one in the room. after its initial intensity it slowly faded like she was singing down an octave until it softened into almost a sigh. for the first while after she left this earth i could still hear her laugh.

tonight i was watching an episode of the show House in which one of the characters kills himself. that's the moment that i turned into a weeping mess in my rocking chair and had a good, shoulder shaking, deep down cry. it came over me like a tidal wave release i hadn't known i needed to have.

i had been thinking about her, Alex, over the last few days. i knew it was coming up to 4 years and that i am the age now that she was when she left. i don't think about her as much as the years have passed and don't visit with her in dreams anymore. i actually mostly think of her in moments when i'm just so amazed at how beautiful the world is. her choice to leave reconfirmed my choice to live as fully as possible.

and today i miss her laugh.

gratitudes

2009-04-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

i'm one grateful girl, for such things as:

~all of the really kind comments on the last post. i hope to be able to write a post someday about how beautiful it was to meet each of you. except the lovely brie (being an old dear sweet friend and all), i hope to post someday about a beautiful viv~brie island reunion! shall we?

~lots of connecting over the weekend. A photo walk with one friend, a photoshoot with another. Its has also been so lovely connecting with the real, kind and inspiring andrea, this time over the best vegetarian, gluten free chili at a hidden gem of a cafe.

~seeing dar williams and melissa ferrick on sunday evening. that was my 3rd time seeing melissa play in the last year and she never ceases to amaze me with her talents and have me on the floor laughing at her hilarious nerotic self. and dar....i've been a dar fan for a long time now and was excited to see her. but i didn't realize how impactful her music has been on me and how a few songs would bring me near tears. sigh. also, sitting right up in front of the stage with my camera, along with the other photographer~types in the audience. truly it is the best seat in the house!

~working on the photos from the weekend ethereal woodsy photo shoot. doing my happy dance over lots of the photos!

~a lovely trip to target tonight (oh target i will miss you...and trader joe's too) and finding a few brightly colored dresses on sale. walking home a busker was singing 'all you need is love' and now its stuck in my head. the perfect song for these days.

~the most beautiful blossom that i keep coming across (as pictured above). i have no clue what it is but it has the potential to rival the magnolia blossoms as my floral obsession!

~two more concerts ahead. live music fills me up like nothing else so i'm excited to have this much beautiful music in my life this week.

~summer plans. rockin' classes back home at the college, folk fest, maybe a cottage trip, lots of re-connecting i hope.

~avocados from the farmers market, lemons from the backyard and really good mexican food.

~optimism about going home

connection

2009-04-10T20:42:00.001-07:00

Until about 6 months ago, I couldn't really tell you why I blog. Interestingly enough I've been at it for about 5 years now and you'd think after all that time I'd know. This week I had a look back at my archives and was clear about 2 things: that i used to swear a lot in posts and that i am incredibly thankful that I do this.

As a teenager I journalled pretty intensely, having got into it through an outdoor/experiential education program I took in high school which gave me an 'out of the box' school experience. It was part of our coursework to journal and, well, I never looked back. I feel like blogging is like journaling's cousin, with close family ties but very unique lives of their own. Its a place both to work through things and to embody space and put myself 'out there'. A place to be safe as well as vulnerable and sometimes just a way to work on showing up. Something that only really changed in the last while was that this became a way to connect with people.

Now, connecting with people hasn't really been my forte in the last few years. I'd gone into a depression a few years back and ever since then I've been in a bit of a bubble of solitude. I found it really hard to connect with people again, especially some friendships that already existed in my life. You see, I'm not the person I used to be. I used to be much more of a supportive friend, one to come to in crisis, one who'd do anything for you. But all of that giving got used up and there I was with an empty well and nothing left to give. So I sat at the bottom of the giving well for a while and tried to see if I could cry it full. That didn't work either so I climbed out of the well of emptiness, found a camera and started filling the well up with beauty, hope and self-understanding.

Since those days I've kept my friendship circle kind of small, feeling really awkward and unsure of how to connect with people. I mean really connect. What does that mean? How does that look or feel? What creates that? Am I really connecting with the friends I have? Is there really space for the authentic me in my friendships? Why do some connections happen instantly and others go at a snail's pace? I consumed myself with these questions for a while, as I still sat in my solo bubble.

And then I came to california...

Seriously, a change of scene does wonders for the soul. I swear I worry far less about things outside my control these days. I stopped worrying about connecting and started doing it. When I first arrived I was amazed at how powerful it felt to simply connect with strangers through kind smiles, how easy it was to strike up a conversation with people in the neighbourhood I'm staying in, how much of a community feeling there was. I've learned what an important part of connection this is. To feel seen and like a part of something, even when alone, gives me a place to begin.

One of the loveliest of treats in this trip has been connecting with some new friends. These ladies above just warm my heart right up. We went out for dinner at cafe gratitude this week and it was so nice to be in the company of such wise, creative, sassy, lovely women. Honestly, in connecting with two I haven't even pondered all of those former worries. Kate is writer, photographer and blogger and Valerie a photographer and all-round creative lady as well as a blog reader (and hopefully a blogger someday if we're lucky) and it just felt like we had some beautiful solid ground to begin connecting on. I'm totally sad that I'm leaving soon as it feels like we've just begun some seriously awesome friendships. Thankfully we still have some time to pack in lots of hanging out!

Thats what I'm realizing about this whole blogging thing. That its not just about me. Not at all. Its about telling my stories and discovering myself and what inspires me and putting it out there in the hopes that someone will relate to it and that we will each feel a little more seen or understood.

Not only have I made a few fabulous new friends, but have tracked down an incredible one from years back (caroliiiiiiiinnnnnne) and have been able to connect with fabulous women around the globe. In this time we live in where we have the means to create connection outside of the bubble of our own community, I can't help but think it makes life all the more richer.

When I used to read blog posts somewhat like this one I would totally feel jealous. Why is everyone out their in the blogging world becoming new best friends while I'm just sitting here alone? I feel like I'm coming to realize that connection is far more simple than I thought. Its really just about reaching out with openness, hope and authenticity and then experiencing the ways that paths do or don't intersect.

And being out of the bubble of solitude? It feels kind of like this afternoon when the sun came out after a week of rain and I put on my sundress and I just let it fall on my shoulders and remind me that everything comes around again and that winter always thaws into spring.

a poetic afternoon

2009-04-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

this afternoon found me sitting in an auditorium at the san francisco library listening to 5 poets read from their most recent work. there is something truly beautiful about the audience at a poetry reading. the listening capabilities of such a crowd are like nothing else.

i had gone to the reading specifically to hear Chris Abani, who's storytelling and poetry are grounding, humanizing and quite beautiful. Chris was amazing, had us all mezmerized with his words and brought our respectful silence into connected laughter. but it was another poet, Ellen Bass, and one poem in particular that really stood out to me as the one I won't forget. By the end of the poem, the quiet crowd all took a beautiful collective sigh.

Gate C22 by Ellen Bass

At gate C22 in the Portland airport
a man in a broad-band leather hat kissed
a woman arriving from Orange County.
They kissed and kissed and kissed. Long after
the other passengers clicked the handles of their carry-ons
and wheeled briskly toward short-term parking,
the couple stood there, arms wrapped around each other
like he'd just staggered off the boat at Ellis Island,
like she'd been released at last from ICU, snapped
out of a coma, survived bone cancer, made it down
from Annapurna in only the clothes she was wearing.

Neither of them was young. His beard was gray.
She carried a few extra pounds you could imagine
her saying she had to lose. But they kissed lavish
kisses like the ocean in the early morning,
the way it gathers and swells, sucking
each rock under, swallowing it
again and again. We were all watching —
passengers waiting for the delayed flight
to San Jose, the stewardesses, the pilots,
the aproned woman icing Cinnabons, the man selling
sunglasses. We couldn't look away. We could
taste the kisses crushed in our mouths.

But the best part was his face. When he drew back
and looked at her, his smile soft with wonder, almost
as though he were a mother still open from giving birth,
as your mother must have looked at you, no matter
what happened after — if she beat you or left you or
you're lonely now — you once lay there, the vernix
not yet wiped off, and someone gazed at you
as if you were the first sunrise seen from the Earth.
The whole wing of the airport hushed,
all of us trying to slip into that woman's middle-aged body,
her plaid Bermuda shorts, sleeveless blouse, glasses,
little gold hoop earrings, tilting our heads up.

smile

2009-04-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

blooming

2009-04-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

there's something about these last few months. its as though the conditions have been just right, my hope and openness have been ready, the sun has been bright enough, there have been just the perfect amount of kind smiles, adventures and new connections, the perfect amount of chaos and peace.

the truth is, i just haven't been this happy in a very long time. i mean, life has been good over the last few years and getting better every day, but they were still somewhere around the right degree of contentment. but these days (most days) i'm just downright happy.

i didn't really have any expectations about my time away from home. i was hoping it would give me some perspective, shake things up a bit, and keep me warm during the winter...but thats about it. when you have never been somewhere its hard to place demands on it...and i'm so glad about that. and it's turned out to be such a beautiful and gentle adventure of opening.

so last night when andrea and i went on a garden adventure to get a picture for her beautiful new superhero necklace design called Bloom, it got me thinking about how perfect that word is to describe how life has felt lately. its like this beautiful bud that is my heart and my self was finally ready to open up and bloom.

all of andrea's necklaces are truly divine. but this one...this one gets me giddy just looking at it. its totally radiant and truly scrumptious! i highly recommend treating yourself to one of her necklaces at some point (if you haven't already). looking in the mirror and seeing such beautiful colours can't help but widen your smile.

and i wonder...what ways is your life in bloom?

a week of sensory goodness

2009-03-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

~driving down eucalyptus lined roads in marin county in the rain. the smell of those trees was so powerful!
~cold water and hot sand on bare feet in santa cruz
~the sand caught up in the wind hitting my legs on ocean beach. it hurt, but in an 'its good to be alive' kind of way
~the voices of the seals by the wharf yelping in the morning
~hot sun on bare shoulders
~the taste of the roast chicken at chez panisse. i can't even describe it. best chicken i've ever tasted!
~the smell of stumptown coffee brewing this morning (thanks to my portland visitors)

home

2009-03-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

back home in my self today. like a lil' snail in its shell.

the life preserver, the ladder and the boat

2009-03-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

feeling really quiet today. tender and raw. far from the girl skipping down sunny streets.
but i'm working my way back to her.

sometimes we get a reminder of how far we've come. though it doesn't feel like it at this moment, i do know that i'm no longer the girl i was, even if other people in my life still treat me like i was her. sometimes i forget how to say 'don't treat me like that' or 'no' but its true that the time between reaction and action gets smaller the more you practice standing up for yourself.

but i touch my cheek like the sweetheart i need to believe in. like the love that i so yearn for and the love that is already here in abundance.

elizabeth gilbert wrote that "i was the administrator of my own rescue". i am that too. but i threw myself overboard for these last few days, forgetting that i am the life preserver, the ladder and the boat. so i'm drying myself off and trying to find the words of this story that needs changing.

the same wind

2009-03-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

The same wind that uproots trees makes the grasses shine

As the sun is coming out more, i'm finding myself venturing into the city with my pretty walking shoes. I'm covering lots of ground these days, trying to make sure I do everything, see everything that I want to before its time to go North again. There is so much gorgeous graffiti and mural pieces in alleys throughout the mission. I feel like its an experiential art gallery, this city.

I love that quote on the mural. I was once an uprooted tree yet now I feel like the shiniest of grasses. Its the same wind. Its the same essential experience of living. I'm grateful for it all these days.

When He Sings

2009-03-10T19:53:00.001-07:00

When he sings I travel.

I'm on the front porch of my old house watching a tornado come to take it all away. A fire jumper who was one few who survived, a family hiding in the woods, a tired trucker hoping to get to the next motel safely. I'm a heartbroken mary magdelene, a soldier waist deep in mud with a shouting captain, a grandfather thinking of the grandchild he doesn't know, the first day of spring after a very long winter.

Sometimes I'm back in my own history. I'm on a couch curled up with a friend listening to this song, holding onto one another for dear life as we knew we likely wouldn't see each other again. I'm looking out a road-trip car window at northern ontario forests passing by and singing loudly with my fellow travelers. I'm at a concert, sitting in the same row as my first love and their new partner and i'm trying desperately to pay attention to the music and not think about them. I'm lonely on the bus in the depths of my sadness, crying into my lap listening to this one. I'm in the california sunshine walking under plum blossoms and thinking that his songs sounds like a sunset.

Without a doubt, Richard Shindell is the best songwriter I have ever heard. Each song is like a memoir of someone's life, or at least a moment or two of it. And I travel into his songs in the way that I do into a book. Where it almost feels like its my own memory.

Today I found out that he has a new album out, which has me doing a happy dance and totally made my day...

Then again, sliding down a gigantic concrete slide on a cardboard box 20 plus times and squealing with joy wasn't too shabby of a highlight of today either!

one of the loveliest days i've lived

2009-03-08T23:46:00.001-07:00

i can't really pin point why. partly the gorgeous sunshine, the multitude of flowers, the many miles i walked, how good i felt in my lovely new dress, the way people smiled, the happy thoughts. it wasn't really different than any other day but every minute of it just filled up my heart even more.

here's a glimpse of it:

the magnolia love affair continues

2009-03-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

this love affair has been going on for years, but this year its magnitude has been unreal. i can't get enough of them. i can't tell you how many times i've said "that is the most beautiful magnolia tree i've ever seen". every one is more beautiful than the last. tonight at sunset i came across one that truly glowed pink magic.

i've been a bit less chatty these days, both in my daily life and in blog-land. i can often be found in garden patches, inches away from flower petals armed with my lovely macro lens. i find it so fulfilling to see what beauty happens between the what i see through the lens and what the camera captures. its so often far more magical than the eye can see.

i've got some things up my sleeve, some wide-eyed dreams and plans and a whole lot of tales of creative adventures to share (including using a skateboard as a canvas and learning how to make van dyke brown prints). i also just got home from checking out the oakland art murmur and feel super inspired. but i've got sore feet from another long walk and tired eyes from a day well lived. but rather than be silent, i thought i'd serenade you with a few more floral views.

and i'm curious your muse is these days? what makes your camera (pen, paint brush, loom, knitting needles) sing its loudest heartsong?

gratitude

2009-02-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

i am grateful:

~for the brief visit from the biggest star in this universe to my backyard. dear sun, i missed you. not like i did that year you didn't visit vancouver for 28 days straight. but its been many the day since we hung out. thanks for showing up.

~to have a space to create in and to have a wide open weekend day coming up to do so.

~for cyanotype and it's magnificient blue. that color has really been calling me this year and to be able to make art in it...oh my! Also, for discovering sunprint paper and all the experiments that have occured with it.

~for e-courses and the way they are making art more of a part of my daily life

~for the lovely people i've been able to connect with lately.

~for my new (to me) pretty cherry blossom coffee mug. coffee tastes extra good in a purdy mug (it was 75 cents).

~for magnolia trees. my gratitude for them is tenfold. there is nothing more beautiful to me than magnolias in late afternoon light (perhaps you've noticed my obsession). though cherry/apple/plum blossoms run a close second.

~for clarity about the goodness in my life. absence does make the heart grow fonder.

wholeness braided together

2009-02-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

[photo from signs and wonders flickr photostream]

During any of the meditations in the Creative Goddess E~course in which we'd meet our healer, our wise self or even seeing myself in it I noticed a common thread. Each time she would have these two beautiful braids on either side of her head, down to about her chest. I took note of it, and wasn't surprised by it because I've always loved and wanted to have long braids. I remember craving to have them quite early in life in fact.

I didn't really think too much about this common thread as having any symbolism until Saturday when I was working on a writing assignment for the Unravelling E~course (I'm all about the e~courses these days). In the writing assignment we're asked to write a fairy tale of ourselves....once upon a time there was a....

While taking the train downtown for a day of wandering I started writing and then there it was.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman with 2 long braids coming down past her shoulders and paint splatters on her worn hands. Each third of the braid held the memory of who she was and who she had been. Her youth and its struggles, her identity as an other, her mothering self and her story of becoming a mama, her ancestry and family stories, her loves found, lost and found again and her artists self. Every morning she retied each braid together, grounding her in her whole self.

The story continues from there, but this is the part I was very struck by. My symbolism of my guide self having braids isn't simply an aesthetic notion, but a yearning to feel whole. I've struggled in my daily life and even here about how to tie all of those parts of myself together. I have my pride for being part of the queer community and also my hope to find love in a fellow and have babies. I have the girl who died her hair pink years back and the woman who still wants to feel seen but not for what she makes people look at but who she really is. I have my Leo boldness and my socially awkward self. My craving for community but my vital need for time alone. It feels endless sometimes how dualistic my identity feels. I know we all have these conflicting sides of ourselves.

When I have my critical brain switched on I get frustrated at all these pieces and stuck in how they seem to conflict. But they don't. They are all a part of who I am. I just need to be willing to braid them all together and trust that they are all destined to be a part of who I am. In reality, when I grow my hair out my braids aren't plentiful, or even. There's hair sticking out and they get smaller as the hair gets longer.

I just have to trust that the braids of my identity are beautiful in their wholeness.

As are yours.

Short Learning Long Recognizing

2009-02-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

Dzeju Iziase (Short Learning Long Recognizing)

You have to know
before you can
You have to be able
before you create
you have to find new roads
and short is the learning
and long is the understanding
you have to be able to pass through
a lot of smoke
to see the fire.
~by Aspasija (Translated by Ellen George, my Grammy)

The poet is an anscestor of ours on my mom's side that is a poet, playright and feminist. The poem was sent in a valentine's card from my lovely mom.

World's Smallest Postal Service

2009-02-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

Worlds Smallest Postal Service (WSPS) from Leafcutter Designs on Vimeo.

I'm head over heels about this! World's Smallest Postal Service. Thats just brilliant. I just finished ordering a World's Smallest Birthday Card for a dear friend back home and can barely wait to go see this artist, Lea Redmond, in the city and order another letter (in person they are handwritten). Her other work is equally lovely...I especially love her Earrings for Spontaneous Seeding!

love day

2009-02-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

photo by bloemetje

how to have a valentine's day in which you barely even think about the fact you are single

1. go to an event based on love and compassion.
2. receive at least a dozen hugs at said event. more hugs that you've received in ages.
3. be in the company of wonderful people, both new friends and strangers.
4. cry your eyes out at moving stories about people being accepted, loved and not afraid to be who they are.
5. buy a beautiful book and spent the next few hours reading about authenticity, courage and love.
6. drink an incredibly delicious fancy drink that gives you the most perfect happy buzz and makes your cheeks rosy.
7. follow the droves of people holding pillows to downtown san fran for a pillow fight.
8. immerse one's self in taking photos of said pillow fight. get feathers in your hair and smile big.
9. settle into your rocking chair and find yourself filled with gratitude for such a lovely and unusual day.

cyanotypes and other things of beauty

2009-02-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

i've gotta tell ya...i'm making a heck of a lot of art these days and falling pretty head over heels with some of the stuff i'm trying. quite a bit of the art i'm making is with crayon or paint while having further conversations about the intricacies of star wars (of which i still have no clue but really like talking about the force) with a 5 year old. i kinda think this is a pretty great way to explore one's artist self. as saying or even thinking about self-critique just doesn't fly when in the company of someone who is just getting in touch with themselves as an artist. i often hear from us adults that someone once critiqued us or said something about our art that blocked us for years. the last thing i want to be in this world is that person. quite the opposite. i want to make someone else believe in art. and in them self as an artist.

when not working with crayon or washable markers, i'm taking this mighty lovely course at the California College of Art called Alternative Photographic Processes, which is working with a few of the techniques developed before the contemporary methods of printing photos. this is old stuff. beautiful archival techniques. and i'm falling. deep. we've started with Cyanotype prints which are this gorgeous blue color (if you're lucky) and heading on to Van Dyke Brown, Gum Bichromate and finally Salt Prints. had their not been a shortage of old polaroid film these days we'd be doing that too.

our first printing class was an unusually grey morning which made developing UV prints difficult, but useful experience for someone who mostly lives in a very grey city this time of the year. we worked hard all class preparing paper, which involves coating them with a combination of two chemicals, and then printing them using the sun. it took vastly longer to make each print (30 minutes as opposed to 30 seconds) so the teacher offered that we could bring the frames and are prepared paper home with us to use on a sunny day. talk about dreamy! the last two days have been sun~city and i found a sunny moment to try it out for myself.

turns out we also had some sun print paper, which is essentially cyanotype paper prepared as an activity for kids. so my art buddy joined in on the process. we prepared our frames, mine with a negative i'd printed onto acetate, and on his some light sabers and we stepped out into the sun.

after a few minutes we brought them both in and rinsed them out with water, then hung them to dry on a vine outside.

the deep blue has me swooning. i'm excited for the other processes too, especially as they are even more archival, as cyanotypes fade (not forever though) when displayed in bright light. i remember these prints from visits to the art gallery when i'd have to lift a black cloth from the front of the old photo to see it. i'd write down the names of these techniques on gallery visits, wondering what they were and how they differed from darkroom printing. turns out i was destined to find out.

abundant inspiration 2

2009-02-04T20:55:00.001-08:00

in these months that could be titled 'finding myself as an artist' i'm seriously blown away by the abundant potential of creative inspiration. my time in internet land feels much more nourishing than usual while i search out inspirations to help me on my way. a random google search led me to the above video about Maya Hayuk, and since watching a whole shwack of videos on her website i pretty much think she's beyond rad...the way she talks about art makes it feel really accessible. plus i love the way she speaks about her favourite medium being the one she's doing at the moment.

its crazy beautiful to finally listen to that inner voice that really wants to be an artist as well as a photographer. who knows what i'll end up making. who knows if it'll be purdy or just a hot mess. i'm incredibly excited to soon be sharing a studio with 2 other lovely ladies for the rest of my time here. i'm trying to speak very kindly to the pessimist in me that attempts to whisper 'but you're not really an artist' in my ear on a regular basis. but oh dear pessimist me...i don't really care what you think. i've seen far too much proof that following your creative urges can lead to great things to listen to you.

when not ignoring my pessimism or taking pictures, i'm busy with e~courses and a really fabulous class on doing alternative photographic printing, an upcoming silkscreening class and i'd like to take every course that RayKo offers, but I'll have to pick one or two in the end! i'm also deeply in love with the East Bay Creative Reuse Depot. Its a big store packed full of everything imaginable to make something out of...yesterday I found an old Holga there for 3 bucks with a half used roll of film in it (needless to say I'm just aching to process it and see what was on the first half).

i hadn't really had any expectations of how life would go down here, i just kind of had a good feeling about it.
i'm truly blown away by what the last month has brought...it almost feels like i've made more progress in the last month on truly embracing life than i did in the last year. a change of scene seems to have been the perfect catalyst for this...kind of makes me want to keep on city hoping, but the sweet meow of little kitters far away can't help but call me home. plus i think i want to give vancouver another try!

so, here's even more of what's got my creative heart swooning...the paintings below were all discovered during my exploration of the many floors of the SF Museum of Modern Art.

Richard Diebenkorn, Berkeley #57

Robert Rauschenberg, Collection

Robert Rauschenberg

Christopher Wool

jedi artists

2009-02-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

he tells me i'm an artist. i tell him the same. then we stop talking, pick up the brushes and paint in silence for a little bit. until one of us laughs, makes a mess, a mistake, or he wants to tell me something about how he's luke skywalker and how darth maul killed general grevious. i smile and listen and pretend i'm princess lea with beautiful long braids curling above my ears, as this is the kind of thing luke skywalker and princess lea would talk about.

i really love big kid art time. he's 5 and i'm kind of 5 at heart. we see what each other are doing and try out a cool new way one can make circles with your brush or try out how the other one painted a cool pattern on their canvas. we usually end up having something similar in what each of us made, but each piece is also totally our own. when it is not silent, or star wars dialouge, i find myself talking about how we are artists. how making mistakes is just part of making art, that perfection can be a mess and that all we have to do to be an artist is to just do it. that the moment we pick up a brush and start, we are.

he usually laughs at how long it take me to finish a piece i'm working on. by the time i'm done he's usually done a second one and then gone onto a crayon drawing of yoda fighting darth vader. we're both each others teachers and we're both each others students. our regular art dates are filling my heart up pretty full these days. but i don't tell him that part. 'cause girl gushing isn't really cool if your a jedi. and we're jedi artists. we swing a pretty mean lightsaber and a paintbrush and we've got the force in our hands.

appreciating the present

2009-01-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

i feel like i'll look back on these days as of romping around san francisco solo with a sigh and a smile. most days i don't actually feel lonely lately at all. some times i wish i had a hand to hold, but generally i am just trusting that everything is happening as it should. that learning to love life alone is part of my journey. that finding contentment, even happiness in being alone is something worth being proud of, and especially trusting that i will find love. it was the last few years of holding my own loneliness in my hands and trying to come to terms with it that is making these days of feeling fulfilled, truly happy, and still solo, all the more beautiful.

views and gratitudes

2009-01-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

grateful for:

~the most lovely nia class this weekend. a truly incredible teacher. dancing to kinnie starr music in class. bliss in bare feet.
~walking adventures, taking pictures every block
~how beautiful the rain smells here
~big kid art time with my fave 5 year old
~today's forest walk. saw a heron, hummingbird and a lil' turtle.
~the view's from the berkeley hills
~quiet moments
~seeing one of my favourite musicians after about 10 years of musical appreciation.
~going solo to two concerts and feeling really strong about it. except that i forgot my new motto of 'less shy more sass' in reference to the handsome guest mando/violin player. sigh. working on the sass. there will be sass this year i swear!
~a photoshoot with a rad new friend (pictures to follow)
~pretty pretty (and cheap) shoes
~golden hour and the way it looks on flower petals.
~consistently kind smiles
~learning the bus system around these parts
~spring in january
~serendipitously meeting people when i least expect it. unexpectedly running into an old friend from victoria (b.c.) at a concert, running into a lovely person who's blog i've read for ages. i'm won't be surprised at all if such incidents continue!
~taking a one day break from my dairy free life. smoked gouda and goat brie. beyond delicious.
~this adventure i'm on. i'm only 3.5 weeks in and its already shifted me.

abundant inspiration

2009-01-21T17:29:00.001-08:00

is it just me or does there seem to be sooo many e~courses offered right now! perhaps i just never noticed them before or maybe its a new trend (i use the word trend in the best possible, least trendy way) in the creative blogosphere. if only i could take 'em all...but that would be a full time job (though it sounds like a mighty good one).

here's a few that i've come across:
~leonie's creative goddess e-course
~rachel & elsie's online class

there's others who are potentially thinking of creating an online class:
~kelly rae roberts is pondering doing a course...head over to her blog to give imput on what you'd like to learn from her...collage, how to run a creative business, a workshop on her new book and more...
~a certain wonderfully talented photographer that i don't think has officially announced that she's doing the e~course, so i'll wait until she does...but i tell ya...i'm 100% in!

and of course there's always lots of free projects or groups to join in on...365 or 52 weeks on flickr, or here's a few new one's i've been hearing about:
~the portfolio project
~emily's 52Q project
~the 12 secrets of highly creative women

as mentioned, i decided to take goddess leonie's e~course which started a few days ago. when she first announced it a few months ago i signed up as quickly as i could. mainly because of these two reasons:

first, in my heart of hearts, i want to be an artist. i want to make work that is colourful, emotive, sometimes beautiful and maybe even innovative (that word seems to want to be in there, so i'll let it) art. today i spent an hour with a 5 year old pal just playing with crayons, acrylics, watercolours. it was truly heavenly and i felt as equally empowered to make art without self-critique as i was trying to help him be. i don't know what potential i have as an artist in mediums other than photography and i'd like to give myself the opportunity to see! taking a course by someone who has put so much beautiful energy into discovering herself as an artist is really a place that seems perfect to start.

second, i believe in leonie. i first came across her long long ago when we were just wee one's at the online community of Planet SARK (then called Camp SARK). i was rather quiet on the message board and read more than i posted, but over the years I witnessed from afar the lovely leonie discovering her creative self, posting about it, starting her own business. so when she came up with the idea to run this course, there was no second though. i was in. as there had been a decade of growing belief in her.

so far in the course i'm completely blown away. i had high expectations and i must say they are exceeded already! its really sparked a fire in me, as you might have noticed!

i'm adding to my creative goals today the decision to join in on the idea of the portfolio project. surely making 100 works of art will help me find my inner artist and i think the timing is perfect right now to dive into exploring my creative self, as i'm feeling more alive and present than i have in a long time and mighty full of hope. i don't take for granted the work its taken to find happiness again. now time to put that happiness into images and canvases, glued on sequins, self portraits, macro flower images and whatever else my heart desires!

creative possibility

2009-01-19T23:26:00.001-08:00

The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.
~Alan Alda

Conditions for creativity are to be puzzled; to concentrate; to accept conflict and tension; to be born everyday; to feel a sense of self.
~Erich Fromm

The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot. The possibility is always there.
~Monica Baldwin

All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
~Pablo Picasso

Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations, the latter (like the river banks) forcing the spontaneity into the various forms which are essential to the work of art or poem.
~Rollo May

zebras rock. so does art.

2009-01-16T22:34:00.000-08:00

adventures galore have been occuring. seeing live penquins being fed, having butterflies almost land us, seeing t~rex bones, hanging out in beautiful parks, checking out different parts of town and yes, seeing zebras (not real of course, but enough to make a 3 year old squeal). i'm also mighty happy that i went into the city mid week to see a vancouver pal play a beautiful show, with an opening duo of violin and cello which were stunning. i highly recommend checking out rae's music and videos. i have a few concerts next week that i'm incredibly excited about, Kris Delmhorst as well as Coyote Grace, both artists/groups don't tend to tour in Canada so I'm pumped that I can see them here.

tonight was the first night in ages that i've actually sat still long enough to do some photo editing and goodness me it sure does fill me up with creative delight. when i first learned photoshop i was really surprised to find that i really felt as though i could connect with the magic of creating, as i had kind of assumed that the fact that the computer was my creative tool would negate that timeless, intuitive experience. thankfully i was wrong and though the taking of the pictures is my main creative outlet, the processing of them runs a close second.

i've also got a pile of creative supplies: pastels, acrylics, canvases and a new art journal that are patiently waiting for me to stop taking off on adventures and to connect with them! i'm so excited to be taking Leonie's Goddess e~course and can't wait to delve into it. these sunny days are perfect for laying a blanket out on the grass in the backyard and making a beautiful creative mess!

Leonie posted the most wonderful Creative Manifesto on her blog this week that i just love:

Creative Goddesses make art because it fills them up with joy and light.
Creative Goddesses believe mistakes are sacred and add to an artwork's story and perfection.
Creative Goddesses aren't afraid of making art that doesn't Look Good.
Creative Goddesses don't make art for others, they make art for themselves.
Creative Goddesses make art that is true for them.
Creative Goddesses don't need no stinkin' outside approval.
Creative Goddesses make art that doesn't need to look like anyone else's.
Creative Goddesses trust in their intuition and vision to make *their* art as it is needed in this world.
Creative Goddesses listen to their soul's calling.
Creative Goddesses dip their fingers in paint.
Creative Goddesses know the power of soulful creativity.
Creative Goddesses remember that every person on this planet is an artist, a Creative spirit, a soul who needs love, joy, creativity, laughter and connection just as much as water and food.
Creative Goddesses do it messy. And gladly. And reverently.
Creative Goddesses share their art when it is right for them, and hold on to the medicine of their art when it is right for them.

The Creative Goddess is inside you.
She is inside each of us, everywhere, all the time.
We only need a moment to hear our own grace and magnificence.

~Leonie Allan

magnolia at golden hour (and other things of beauty)

2009-01-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

in vancouver my favourite week of the year is the one in which the magnolia trees are blooming. it such a heart opener to see these gorgeous white or pink leaves tight in a bud emerging out of their fuzzy casing to be these decadent big blossoms. during that week i'm almost always to be found under a magnolia tree at golden hour.

it had been a more challenging day than the blissful days of late, as i'd accidently glutenized myself and hadn't been able to pull off the wandering, walking, exploring that i've been doing lately. who knew hummus had a chance of containing wheat (actually it had tamari/soy sauce...which i find to be the most challenging thing to avoid in this gluten free journey as it sneaks its self into so many foods)! so a bit frustrated, i was lying down for a bit of a rest when i saw the golden light coming in my window in that just perfect yellow tone i jumped up without thinking and ran out of the house towards the cemetery nearby and the most beautiful magnolia tree. a great reminder that i don't need to only be a tourist of the grand but also of the little things too.

and this is what i found:

my heart is healing with every kind smile

2009-01-08T19:55:00.000-08:00

I often feel invisible. For most days of my adult life, I have felt that way at some point.

Its a peculiar invisibility. Last year at a gathering of ladies the subject came up of how the more curvaceous we became (also known as fat) it felt like there was a magic number at which we became invisible. Depending on height the number varied, but it was generally around a size 14-16 where we all perceived an invisibility cloak being thrown over our heads and we felt like we disappeared from the sight of men, except those with very creepy energy that seemed to find us to be magnetic.

Up until that point I had thought it was me. Why do we do that....think that in a world of 6 billion people that we could really be the only one to feel a certain way? But I did. Since puberty I've been one curvy girl. When the ladies spoke about this magical number where invisibility took over I felt seen. Of course there were those who could see beyond the invisibility cloak, but it felt like those were few and far between.

For so long I felt like I must just not be sending out the right energy, walking with enough confidence, or maybe there's just something I don't know that other women do. And unfortunately, the way it goes with women and their confidence it all seems to come down to 'something is wrong with me' and embodies itself in us as shame.

But this isn't meant to be a pity post. Because something is different now.

These days, travelling in the states, I feel seen. The other day I wrote in my journal

"I feel seen as a woman".

I've felt it every time I've been to the states, that the cloak of invisibility is lifted. I wonder why. Is the 'magic number' just higher? Is it just more fat-friendly here (media wouldn't make you think so)? Or am I just finally exuding confidence?

But every day here, when I walk down the streets near where I'm staying I feel seen. And its not that I feel like I'm getting hit on, or that its even a gendered experience. Every day I feel seen again and again. By kind eyes, connection. I'm 31 and I have felt invisible for 16 years. My heart is healing with every kind smile.

this beautiful place

2009-01-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

though i'm getting used to it, about a half dozen times a day i suddenly have the realization that i am in california. i mean, it is January 6 and to my body/psyche i should either be knee deep in snow or puddles. somewhat unfortunately, that realization usually brings this song into my head. For some reason that song got into my head way back in 1988 and has never really freed me from its clutches. I'm hoping it'll lessen its hold as the excitement of visiting here gets a wee bit less shiny and new!

the weekend brought more exploring of both the east bay and of san francisco. i did a full on tour of san fran...the mission, the castro and my favourite...haight~ashbury. i love the colourful buildings, gorgeous architecture and yes, even the ginormous hills. watching the movie Milk right after visiting the Castro was perfect as I had just seen the setting where all of that history took place.

the next day brought more walking, this time from oakland to berkeley, checking out all the neighbourhoods and popular streets i'd heard about. maybe i was just sore from the massive amount of walking i've been doing, but thus far berkeley hasn't really swept me away. or at least compared to the piedmont and rockridge neighbourhoods in which there are so many kind smiles, cute shops and so much delicious coffee that i think i could be happy ever after there.

but i did have a mission in berkeley, to find the place that i'd heard of so much in SARK's books...cafe gratitude. now, i didn't really bring the address but remembered the street name so when it came to finding it i was way past hungry and fully tired. but finally in the distance there it was, this sign saying "what are you grateful for". at that moment, all I was honestly grateful for was that i could stop walking! once i got in there, sitting at a big table, brick walls, lush pillows and a fully gluten free menu, my gratitude started to grow. i had a mighty delicious meal and couldn't resist partaking in a lil' desert goodness.

I'm finding that I'm able to shift out of the hibernation state i've been in during this last year and to get that extra push to actually go to out and explore this place every day. i'm still following my intuition of course, like tonight when I was craving a yoga more than a silkscreening class, but i'm glad i'm able to really jump into pretending that I live here during my visit.

perhaps its the sunshine and extra vitamin D people get here, or the beauty of life in the east bay, or just cycle of postive energy that happens when people like their life, but i'm finding folks here to be pretty darn lovely. not a walk down my favourite street goes by that there are not a dozen smiles or nods hello from people passing by.

or maybe its just that i can't stop smiling.

adventures in berkeley

2009-01-02T17:52:00.000-08:00

i woke up in california really early this morning, after arriving pretty late last night. i could barely wait for the sun to rise so i could see where it was I had arrived to. once the day was in full force i went for a walk in the rain and was awestruck at what grows here. down the road there is a blossoming magnolia tree which makes me swoon. i can't get over seeing cacti and that there is a lemon bush in the back yard. is this place for real?

i've been determined to get a sense of place today so have walked for hours and hours checking out different parts of oakland/berkeley. my total highlight of the day came on my last walk when I stopped at a place called Bittersweet. As I got my coffee I realized that the 5 gigantic canvas' on the walls were sabrina ward harrison's work. I was mighty starstruck by the paintings (not the above ones, but some rich burgandy/brown gorgeous works of art)...i've seen so much of her work in her books, but it was jaw-drop amazed to see all the textures and see the rawness of her work face to face. they took a long time making my coffee which was perfect 'cause i just wanted to stare at them.

the air here is so beautiful. i haven't quite figured out how to describe it. maybe its that there is so much blooming and my winterized senses had gotten used to the somewhat monotonous smell of vancouver rain that there is so much to take in, my senses are going wild.

my last walk was in the late afternoon and i can't tell you how lovely it felt to be seeing everything in the rich light of golden hour. in montreal it was more like a golden 10 minutes, so i just basked in every minute of it. i really love being in a place for the first time. time feels like it slows down, my senses are so acute and i just generally feel mighty alive!

i think tomorrow i'm going to venture over the bridge to san francisco. if anyone has any recommendations of things to do/see/experience in s.f. or the bay area i'm all for recommendations!

p.s. i'm overjoyed that the ever lovely Caroline (she who makes beautiful videos) has decided to blog! Her blog is already packed through of artful goodness and I hope you pop over there to say hello!

dear year

2008-12-31T18:35:00.000-08:00

dearest year gone by:

i have the photographic evidence of the goodness you've given me.
i've been perusing it lately, amazed at how much beauty i've witnessed.

you've been a gentle year. slowly pushing me to take steps towards my dreams
but giving me the space to let myself deal with some growing pains.

mostly i just settled further into figuring out who i am now that i know what i'm not anymore.
it was a bit of a process but worth the work.

and i'm starting this coming year, jumping right into the change i want to make.
i'm ready for a courageous, adventurous, open hearted year.

i'm looking forward to trusting more (trusting my intuition, trusting others, trusting the universe)
to letting go, to living more and more and more.

its time for a little less gentleness and a little more newness.
its time to be more myself and less scared.
its time for less staying put and more dancing through life.
its time to be more open and less worried about the outcome.
its time to let myself be beautiful and not shy away from my uniqueness.
its time to shake it up, to push myself, to risk more for the sake of a full heart.
its time for less shy....more sass! (if i'd have to make a mantra for the coming year...this might have to be it)!

dare i say it, dear year to come....i think you have the potential to be one damn good year!!!

love vivers

december views: xmas

2008-12-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

simple. replenishing. quiet.

not really words one would likely relate to christmas holidays, but thats what it has been. i can't remember the last time i've had so much space and time to relax to this degree. often in the morning i'll get up really early to drink coffee and visit with mom and then climb back into bed for a whole lot of reading. before it got all icy there were lots of walks and skiing. we also kept it really simple gift wise this year. just one person to buy for, picked randomly in a draw, a decent amount of money to buy that gift with but far far less than what one would spend on gifts for each family member. though the scene under the tree was sparse, it felt so good to keep things simple. mom still did the stockings but also kept it pretty simple. we don't need a lot. we're lucky in what we do have and are all trying to not overconsume.

speaking of overconsuming...perhaps its time to write about food. while gifts were kept simple, food was plentiful. we're quite a collection...2 celiacs (one of whom is dairy free), 1 Dairy/Sugar/Yeast-Free Eater and a Vegetarian. My mom worked wonders and made a christmas dinner where all of our plates were full. Gluten~free stuffing, the best potatoes ever, turkey, a big salad, squash, a mushroom gravy and a meat gravy. My belly and I are so grateful for having yet another Gluten~free Christmas.

its been a bit wild around here as I've come home accompanied by my two wonder~cats and my brother came home with his bff cat, a kitter like no others (who happens to be the size of my cats put together). after a day of them all hissing like snakes, they've become one big happy feline family (much to our relief).

i hope your holidays have been beautiful!

see other december view participants listed here!

december views: montreal style

2008-12-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

montreal highlights thus far:

~brunch at aux vivre with the fam. vegan deliciousness. i especially loved that they served coconut milk with the coffee, all warmed and frothy! i never pondered that as a dairy substitute for coffee and it was just dreamy!

~a visit with old friends. I love the comfort of being around folks that you've known for a while. big hugs and catching up totally hit the spot. also meeting my first blogger pal in real life!!! J of Wonderings and Wanderings was just as lovely in person as you'd think she would be from reading her blog! it was so good to be able to chat with someone and say things like 'shutter sisters' or '50mm 1.4' and not have to explain what you're talking about. I think its mighty rad that we would have probably ended up at the same gathering yesterday even if we hadn't figured out how small the world is and that we have mutual friends, but even better to be able to actually meet someone via blog~land and then in real life!

~inches and inches and inches of snow on the road into where my folks live. especially when combined with snow tires and 4 wheel drive. i haven't seen this much snow in years! i'm loving it, especially admiring the snow from somewhere warm!

~making a much needed stop at a photobooth while waiting for my train. my self portrait journey began years ago by visiting photobooths very regularly until i finally got a camera. i remember finding a black and white photobooth at a metro station years ago....and am hoping they haven't gotten rid of it...seems like a good challenge for a photo~adventure!
any montrealers know where i might find one?

~the pile of movies mom and i are slowly working our way through (and surely we'll restock once we've seen all these). last night watching chocolat was the perfect way to end a snow stormy day!

~putting on the weepies sunday morning and having my parents break out into a full on dance party to the song 'all this beauty'. well, mom was serious and dad was joking (i think)! they are pretty darn lovely people. i'm a lucky kid.

~a walk today with my mom, both in a nearby park and on the trails behind our home. i'm a city dweller but a country kid at heart. I was having a very sensitive morning, but all was put into perspective once i was knee deep in snow, walking through the forest.

~oh reading...i don't know if i've read this much all year. i'm reading Water for Elephants by Sarah Gruen and am loving getting lost in tales of the circus. many hours have been spent in bed lost in my book...that what feels most holiday~like right now...having the space and time to do one of the things that makes me the happiest.

december views 6

2008-12-19T17:38:00.000-08:00

december views 5

2008-12-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

happily settled into the relaxed pace of life at my parents home in montreal. its crazy beautiful with snow everywhere and insanely cold (for a wimpy west coastie). i'm aching to break out the cross country skies and get moving. but today i was happy to go to a nice warm yoga class with my mom and try to acclimate to this winter wonderland. hence, so far all my newest additions to 'december views' are indoors...but i've got ideas galore and can't wait to get out into the snow and onto montreal's vibrant downtown streets! i've also loved how many blogs i've seen the ART video on...i love when goodness spreads!

december views 4

2008-12-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

sigh...vancouver is a bit manic right now. yesterday was so sparkly and spring~like with wide blue brilliant skies. then today i woke to see snow falling (it snows once a year or so) and now it has turned to pounding rain. i just spent the last half hour with a bucket and my rubber boots emptying my flooding front entrance! oh dear. but i'm happy to be now nestled in for a cozy weekend of getting all organized for my upcoming adventures, with two evening breaks full of friends and yummy food! the adventure begins in 4 sleeps when i head out to montreal for two weeks of family goodness. hope your weekend is wonderful!

**update**
as soon as i pressed 'publish' i got off the couch to go make dinner and realized there was an inch of water under my feet. yes, my place was flooding. it's a basement suite and as mentioned i'd just emptied my stairwell of water, but it was back in even fuller force. somehow i managed to keep quite chipper throughout it, especially because of the following things:
a) having two pairs of rubber boots to keep me dry while throwing bucketfulls of water out of my home.
b) that i wasn't the one out front knee deep in cold water in the sump well. grateful for that!
c) that i have tile floors and that although the big rug got really wet, at least i don't have carpets (mold is my enemy).
d) that a task on my to-do list for the next couple days was to mop the floor. done!

art art

2008-12-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

oh my gosh...please watch this! caroline (my favourite video maker) sent me this. she didn't make this one, but its actually a video for a song made for a musician i knew years ago. she, tanya davis, is a super talented poet, storyteller and musician and this video is just pure loveliness!

i have a feeling it might speak to you...

december views and beautiful days

2008-12-10T23:16:00.000-08:00

only one december view today and its a narcissistic one at that! but i felt really beautiful today and wanted to capture that feeling for days when i'm feeling the opposite way. maybe it was the haircut or the new red dress or an inner love glow but the stars were aligned in my heart today and i just felt radiantly beautiful all day. i love these days when everything just feels so in place!

gosh this feels like a vain post but it also feels important. so much in this media driven world reminds us constantly of why we aren't enough and I for one take on far more of that crap than my feminist ideals would like to confess. so i'm feeling some radical self acceptance and believe in my own beauty, inside and out, right here and right now!

i know we know this, but we need to remember it...we are as beautiful now (likely even more so) than if we changed all of those things that we dislike about our bodies/selves. its all about confidence and an inherent belief in ourselves. and its time. it almost makes me ill to think about how much energy in this lifetime i've put into putting myself down. i wouldn't dream of ever talking to someone else that way. where did i learn that? why did i accept that way of thinking? i'd answer those questions but today i'd rather just feel strong in my own beauty rather than focus on the why and how. i'd rather change than ponder change today.

p.s. i think you're beautiful too! very very much so!

p.p.s. are you up for some radical self acceptance today? you deserve it!

december views 3

2008-12-08T16:48:00.000-08:00

more december views...

2008-12-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

i'm back in vancouver, snuggling kitters till they start a purrfest. i'm laughing at seeing myself in the mirror, looking like clinton and stacey stole me away to new york for a makeover (when in fact it was some seriously good success at the fat fancy store and target). thats what i so love about my trips to portland...i always come back feeling even more rooted in my~self.

most of today was spent on a train to seattle and then a bus to vancouver so i don't actually have many pictures to today so i'm going to share more of the things that have made me visually swoon over these past few days:

did you know the headquarters for bitch magazine are in portland?

my bro in law, me and sis in xmas hats just after putting up the silver~vintage~rotating~xmas~tree!

december~views

2008-11-30T23:20:00.000-08:00

hmmm...excited that it is time for december views again. my camera has been in great use lately and here's some of what i've been seeing.

portland~love

2008-11-29T08:46:00.000-08:00

i'm in my beloved portland. sigh.

ever since the first moment i came here i've felt at home. there's something about this city that feels so familiar...people look familiar to me too. and since vancouver, in all its glory and in all these years i've been there, still doesn't have that sense of 'home' for me, it becomes even more apparent what does and does not feel like home.

and i'm lucky enough to have family here, so i try to take a trip whenever i see a possibility. and its been way too long since my last trip. so happy to be home.

highlights thus far:

~going to the fat fancy store. they are only open one weekend a month, and i'm so happy it was this weekend. scored a few vintage dresses and a gorgeous coat! plus it felt so lovely to be in a place based around gorgeous plus sized vintage clothing. loved it. it totally made my day!

~lunch at por que no with my sister. the last 24 hours has been a mexican food bonanza...and if i just leave off the cheese, it makes me a happy gluten~free girl. we don't have good corn tortillas in canada, and they kinda taste and feel like they would have wheat in them, but don't....makes me feel like a digestively~normal person.

~touring our favorite neigbourhoods, cute shops, vintage stores (don't ask me how many more vintage cameras i got today...but they were such good deals i couldn't resist) and there seemed to be good deals everywhere. yummy.

~portland has the best coffee i've ever had. its stumptown coffee everywhere. i love a place that has really high standards for coffee.

tomorrow we're going downtown which is a part of portland i haven't been to much.

if you've been here i'm all for suggestions of things to check out here!

4 beautiful things

2008-11-23T00:33:00.001-08:00

~another gorgeous video by my super talented friend caroline.

~going to a unicorn birthday party this weekend. complete with pin the horn on the unicorn, a unicorn piniata and goodie bags containing magic sparkles. and no this wasn't a kids party. it was beyond beautiful.

~going to the east side culture crawl (an art studio tour) and the new sketch i bought from one of my favourite local artists jordan bent. also that he had a klezmer band playing in his studio during the tour.

~this song and video (and the idea of singing so loudly in the middle of the woods...i wanna do that)

my days have been a mix of being sick and in hibernation and of going to every social event i can to be sure to see everyone i can before i leave for the holidays. as well i'm continuing the seemingly endless task of culling my belongings....which is going really well and feels so good. somewhat without words lately (as well as having lost my voice today) i'm looking forward to december when darlene is bringing back the 'december views' in which one can join the task of blogging pictures rather than words.

so there they are. 4 beautiful things.

cleansing

2008-11-15T19:11:00.000-08:00

two weeks ago i made a surprise decision to go on a cleanse. i gave myself about a day to eat whatever i had that i would soon be parting with and then went for it. i did this cleanse way back when i was 16, and did it for a number of months and after the cleanse i felt the best and healthiest i have ever felt in my adult life. and i'm ready to feel like that again.

so, i'm saying bye to dairy, sugar and fermented foods. seeing that i already live gluten free, you'd think that i'd be in a complete world of depravation and have nothing to eat, but really its not true. honestly, i'm just putting in even more effort to make food for myself and most of the time i feel pretty blessed that there is so much i can eat.

i though i might share a few of the things that are keeping me feeling like i still have quite a delicious world of food ahead of me.

~larabars. they don't contain any sugar or dairy and have so many amazing flavours...i'm mostly smitten with pecan pie and peanut butter cookie flavour though they all are quite scrumptious.
~stevia. oh stevia, i'm not sure i'd be able to do this without you! stevia doesn't spike blood sugar or feed candida, so its safe for those who can't have sugar. i'm using unsweetend almond milk and adding a bit of stevia to it makes it much easier to consume!
~kale. one of my favourite things to eat right now is kale cooked up with a whole bunch of garlic and shallots. so scrumptious. having salad with no dressing (as most have sugar and vinegar) doesn't make me too happy, so kale is taking its place in my life and i'm lovin' it!
~vega protein powder. i've been using this protein for years and nothing will sway me from it. it is made of pea, rice and hemp protein, sweetened with stevia, has lots of fiber, digestive enzymes, probiotics and i think it tastes mighty good. i use the plan flavour. add some blueberries and almond milk and it's an ideal way to start my day, have as a snack or drink during one of my night shifts!
~kinnikinnick yeast free, dairy free, gluten free rice bread. pretty much the only bread i know of that i can eat right now. corn thins are also making for a great bread substitute.
~squash, garlic, roasted root veggies (yams, beets, parsnips), granny smith apple, peanut butter and banana sandwiches...very thankful for all these things!
~books. healing with whole foods tells me everything i need to know about food, the complete candida yeast guidebook is my bible on the rules of the cleanse (there's so many variations on this cleanse), and the gluten~free girl book is my favourite, as shauna is super inspiring through sharing her excitement about what she can eat in her gluten~free life.

as inspired as i am feeling about food, the first portion of a cleanse is tough. fatigue and headaches are increasing as the toxins are being banished from my body. i'm feeling worse, but know that i will feel better in the long run.

and since i'm probably going to be on this cleanse for a while and surely i'll get sick of smooties and kale, i'd love if anyone has suggestions on their favourite gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free things to eat!

fear vs love

2008-11-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

another reason why we need to chose love, not fear:

i live in a country where i have the right to marry who ever it is that my love~journey takes me to. I don't take that right lightly.

I wish I were in california right now so I could join in the marches and protests protesting the right for all people to marry in that state being revoked. I fully believe that things won't stay the way they are....i believe that the way I believed (and no pessimism could sway me) that Obama would become the next president. Because it has to happen, because its time for change. Because Hope can trump Pessimism if we try hard enough, because Love can swallow Hate whole if we try hard enough. This setback has motivated people who believe in LOVE to take action. Like this video (if you have 6 minutes to spare i highly recommend watching the whole thing...its so well said). Love trumps all else, it counteracts the reasons why people voted for prop8. When it all comes down to it, don't we all just want to be loved in this lifetime?

living in love

2008-11-10T12:12:00.000-08:00

i heard someone say this the other day 'i want to live in love not in fear'. those words have been sinking into my skin and have become a bit of a mantra to keep me present during my days. almost everything in my life that I am not content with is based around fear, whether its worrying if i will find love again, body image, social acceptance...all stem from a place of fear. so i've been trying to put this practice whenever i start feeling the fear rise up.

there are days that i just feel the essence of love, breathing it in and out, feeling in my heart that i am smitten though there was no object of my affection prompting that feeling at that time. on those days i find it so easy to be present, to give, to connect. but these days come and go. i just hope to find ways to bring myself to that place. and sometimes it might be like my morning run was today...brutal and hard to keep going but once you push through you just get to a place of calm and just experience it.

its the way this sentence calms me. 'i will live in love and not fear'. for each of us it may be different words that bring us back to the path we want to be on. right now, right here...i think i've found mine.

***it feels peculiar to write this after spending 2 of the last 5 years in a depression. now that i feel relatively happy most days, i'm seeking even more happiness, when in the past all i wanted was to not feel sad. but we deserve all the happiness we can manifest for ourselves in this lifetime***

i took this photo for the courageous living project which is organized by the lovely kate swaboda (who's blog is wonderful. i really love her honesty about her journey...i think she's very courageous). i've been painting quotes that move me on my mirrors for a long time and am enjoying a revitalized focus in mirror messages! i encourage you to try it! I have this message on the full length mirror that stands near where i get dressed. its a great reminder to be kind to myself when i look in it.

yesterday i read this post called ...the next single thing, by jen gray. now, its quite often that a blog post nearly brings me to tears, but this one brought me past the verge into full on tear~land. she wrote these words that speak to my heart so strongly right now. to take the next step that keeps me true to my heart, that aligns me with love and spirit...and trust that all will work out. her reminder that
"if you knew the final destination, you would rush to get there and miss really crucial scenic routes along the way" was just what i needed to hear right now.

"love is at the end of this trip.
i promise you that.
and i swear to god you will never
be so thankful and so aware of
how this journey will give you your life back.
the true life you were destined for"

these words get me all choked up every time i read them. love is at the end of the trip and love is here now. it always was and always is here. i spend so much time worrying/fearing that love will elude me, pass me by, never find me. the thing that speaks clearest to my heart right now is to leave that fear and try, and then try harder, to find the love that is here in my life already, that is here in my every day, that is here in me.

three very beautiful things

2008-11-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

1. that u.s. citizens came together and elected a truly moving new president (thank you, thank you, thank you)!

2. this beautiful video my lovely friend caroline made (and there are more videos of gorgeousness on her youtube page).

3. the wonderful leonie's new creative goddess e-course. i can barely wait for it!

behind and ahead

2008-11-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

some moments this week it felt like i'd jumped back 2 or 3 years.
like i didn't know how to say no, or stand up for myself, or express my boundaries.
and it brought back a wee bit of that sadness that took so long to get rid of back then.

but i do have these skills now. its not the way i live my life anymore. so i put on my rubber boots and walked through that messy mud of who i have been to where its okay to be the woman i've become, even if she still doesn't know exactly who she is.

at the same time as jumping backwards, i'm also floored at how much i've gone forwards. i did a family photoshoot with one of my favourite families in this city, and was recalling our shoot last year (which was soon after i had gotten my DSLR). i had been super hard on myself last year after the shoot, didn't feel like i did a good enough job...rather than just letting myself be exactly where I was...a beginner. and this year, after a year of practice and more photoshoots than I can count on my fingers and toes, we had a really lovely time and got some great shots. and it wasn't perfect. its so challenging to shoot so many people at once, getting three kids under the age of 5 to focus on the camera at the same time (but they were troopers). at one point we went inside for hot chocolate and coffee and when we came back out I forgot to change the ISO back (which made the quality of the photos poor until I remembered to change it!). but i've gained enough confidence in myself and my photography in the last year that I'm going to give myself credit for how far i've come and not beat myself up for the fact that i still have a ways to go. thats why I love this art form....its continually confidence building and humbling and the same time!

are you giving yourself credit for how far you've come and letting there be kindness towards yourself in the ways there is simply just room to grow?

a pretty cute week...

2008-10-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

its been a pretty beautifully busy week of taking pictures of some of the cutest subjects possible!
sweet babies, lil' guys lookin' dapper in clothes without grass stains, cute new puppy friends....

i'm a woman of few words this week, so i'll leave you with some cuteness...

blogging outside the box

2008-10-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

****I had written the core of this post last week and had yet to finish collecting resources and pressing ‘Publish’ but after reading a few very very very insightful posts yesterday I realized how important it was to me that I finish it, as well as to post things like this more often.****

i like boxes. big fan of them. i like fitting inside one sometimes and sometimes i need to kick their walls down.

it hits home every once in a while that though who i am authentically right here right now is the person i try and share through my blog, but there are bits of me that just don't fit in the box of this artful blogger kinda community. not that i feel like they wouldn't be welcomed by folks who may read my words....cause isn't this whole thing about being authentic and our messy true selves? a big part of how i spend my time is taking pictures, processing them, making art with paint and paper and reading artful books. but another part of my world is of vibrant radical, political yet down to earth movers-and-shakers and folks that live their life outside of the box of what the societal norm is.

so i was thinking about how i craved writing a post in which those parts of myself merged. and i've concluded that i want to share a list of creative inspirations that you probably won't read on many other blog and that you may not come across otherwise. perhaps its because they are queer, or fat, or very political, or very small and grassroots. perhaps its because they don't have the backing of a major label or they haven't been published. then again maybe they have but just don't fit into the norm. or maybe they are just outside the box of this creative blog community.

i want to try and fit outside the box more, color outside the artful lines, as that is really and truly me. And by not sharing the complexities of my world doesn’t serve me or anyone else. Although sometimes I feel quite different than most folks in this artful/creative corner of the blog world, those 3 post have given me the courage to post because things mean a lot to me, not because they might be well received.

The Collective Tarot:
~I just got my lil' hands on this deck recently and I've gotta tell you, they are so wonderful. I'd heard about them, about a group of artists on the west coast that were creating a tarot deck with symbols and archetypes that they felt represented them more, that had ethnic diversity, diverse bodies and better represented the way they walk in this world. I had wondered how this would turn out...would it look like a regular tarot deck? would working with it feel grounding and flow like other decks? yes yes and yes. its wonderful, beautiful and most importantly, magical.

graphic novels and comics:
this is a genre that i hadn't expected myself being drawn to. but lately i keep coming across comics and graphic novels that seriously take my breath away. Fun Home, Everyday Things, Persepholis, Rent Girl and i very much await the day when artist suzy malik (do check out the comic section of her website) and writer zoe whitall bring their graphic novel to the world.

art (i love art):
jennifer mercede. i became deeply smitten with jennifer's art when exploring alberta street in portland. i came home from that trip with my very own painting by her. and there is a gigantic one that i yearn to have on my wall one day. i love her playful, colourful, organic style.
jordan bent. jordan is definitely my favourite local artist. his work is so intense and emotive and quite prolific. plus (and surprisingly) his work is also still somewhat affordable. i'm very excited for the east side culture crawl and getting to visit his studio again. he sells his sketches (there are piles and piles of them) at the crawl and even a simple pen sketch of his is likely to move you.
christy road. i've seen christy's work for years in some anthologies and through sister spit and i can't get over how much i love her black and white images. she doesn't shy away from anything. its all there in her images. total admiration for her.
caroline barrientos. my friend caroline's art takes my breath away. she made me the most beautiful journal and sent it in a hand painted canvas envelope. i can't wait to see what else she will bring to the world.

i've realized as i'm putting this together that this is only just a beginning and i really can't put writing, poetry, fine art, graphic art, photography and music in one post. so i think this is officially part one of my 'resources outside the box' posts!

welcome

2008-10-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

happy happy happy

2008-10-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

I keep remembering one of my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.

~elizabeth gilbert (from eat pray love)

i'm re-reading eat pray love and i must say its just as good the second time around. there are so many turned-down corners throughout the book, marking passages that i loved. i get mighty excited when i see one coming, as her nuggets of wisdom (or her guru's or richard from texas' or ketut liyer's) had a really profound effect on my work in creating and maintaining a life in which i am truly happy. there are still things i yearn to have in my life, but i don't want to take for granted that most days i am a mighty happy girl. and so thankful that girl in me is here to stay.

things making me happy right now:
~a preview for a movie i saw today called Happy-Go-Lucky got me real excited for flick that seems to celebrate happiness. looking forward to going to my favourite cinema to see it!
~waking up early and having a lazy start to the morning drinking tea and watching project runway australia on you tube
~a chat with my sister and making plans for a trip to portland next month (i LOVE portland)
~slowly simplifying my belongings. letting go feels wonderful
~working on pics for this months self portrait challenge and reconnecting with being my own model!
~primo cat cuddles and watching them bask in the sun
~the fact that i'm getting my hair cut on monday. i'm in dire need. i always walk taller with a new doo.

hope your weekend is wonderful.

two things of brilliant beauty

2008-10-08T00:58:00.000-07:00

~this gorgeous lil' movie from the ever creative christine mason miller. it made me swoon.

~this news from a beautiful soul in australia. i've loved reading about their love through her blog and got all teary reading this!

life in motion

2008-10-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

oh geez...i said i was gonna post more often and then took a week off! alas, life has been in motion...going to my dance class, running around after my favourite model as she climbed on top of trains and did aerial stunts on silks, going for walks and playing on swings with friends, swaying and bouncing at work with a lovely newborn baby girl and curling up lots with my kitters.

september is gone? it flew by for me. i didn't meet all my goals, but i did have a darn good month. i've been making lots of effort to connect with the lovely people in my life. coming back from my vacation, i've had a renewed perspective on what riches are already here around me. ever since i've been living here i've felt like i've been searching, searching, searching. it feels mighty good to be here, feet firmly planted and arms open to all that i may have been taking for granted.

here's a lil' glimpse into some of the photographic fun i've been having:

vivacious change

2008-09-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

so, things are gonna be changing a wee bit around here. if you look at the top o' the page you'll see that they already are!

i'm taking baby steps and gigantic steps in wholeheartedly working towards my vision of making a living as a professional photographer. the last week has been a whirlwind of newsletter writing, address collecting, postcard ordering, brainstorming and mostly just giving myself pep talks about how 'i deserve to live the life i want to live' and that its time to leave my comfortable spot between failure and success where nothing much happens...and its time to see how grand life can be!

so, i'm going to let my blog come along for the ride and let my adventures in the photog business be shared here. i've been really enjoying some other photographers blogs lately and see them as mentors in where i want my business to be in a year. i thought about making a seperate blog to post client pics and business inspirations, but in reality i think its best to keep it all together. so it really just means that i'm likely to most more often (yahoo!) and share a lot more images with you. i won't stop sharing tidbits of my learnings and adventures...i just know that I'm not that good at keeping more than one blog active, so it'll have to be one big ol' happy blog of vivacious vivienne-ness.

to start of this new stage i thought i'd share some of the amazing photography resources that are out there:

~flickr. yes...i know everyone knows flickr...but do you know about the 'texture for layers' group and all the amazing textures and borders you can get there for free. its vast (so be prepared to get lost in textures for a bit)! also, a while back i started adding anyone that i felt inspired by on flickr as a contact. if you are feeling shy, i highly recommend pushing through your shyness and adding people who's work you admire! that way you get a daily dose of inspiraition when you go to your contacts page. its definitely my favourite part of the time i spend online!

~shutter sisters. again...you probably know about this one too. but if you don't, do not finish reading this post. go directly to shutter sisters and be prepared to wake up to inspiration every single day!
~pay-it-forward. i love this site so much. the online photography community is so generous!

~becker's [b] school blog and the new private school. beckers videos and posts are packed full of great business info. the new [b] school is open as of october and i'm excited to see what its all about!

~michelle black's 'the hideout'...a really fabulous forum for photographers. lots of photo challenges, interviews and opportunities to connect to and be inspired by other photographers.

~the pay-it-forward blog, full of photographer resources. there's some fab and free actions, textures, storyboards and templates. plus, its all in the spirit of giving!

~portfoliositez...the super wonderful company that i've gotten my website template through. they are incredibly helpful, totally affordable and especially by and for photographers. i have nothing but rave reviews of them!

~also, have you been to darlene's beautiful blog lately? her words and images are so stunning!

happy wednesday!

alive

2008-09-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

Don't ask yourself what the world needs
Ask what makes you come alive
And then go do that
Because what the world needs
Is people who have come alive
-Gil Bailie

and this morning when i watched this video i cried the kind of tears that make me feel so alive.
the power that creativity has in uniting people just blows me away!

ordinary sparkling moments

2008-09-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

during a few hours of free time in an otherwise very busy week
i knew exactly what needed to be done.

i needed to sit in the sunshine
on a pink blanket
eat gluten free banana bread
and read the gorgeous book (ordinary sparkling moments by christine mason miller) that just arrived on my doorstep.

i think i'll be ranting about the brilliance of the book for a long time.
its got so many transformative ideas whirling in my head.
pages filling up in my journal, further steps towards my creative dreams

at times i've wondered why it is that i blog and feel so drawn to this world of creative bloggers.
and lately its been so clear. these women are dreaming big and making it happen, valuing their creative endeavors, writing transformative words, challenging themselves and by living artful lives. its like checking in with mentors each day. being reminded of the authenticity i am continually walking towards.

and it makes it so much easier to believe in yourself when you witness so many women's journeys of walking strong in their own imperfect beautiful gracefulness.

giving dreams wings

2008-09-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

i've had my website 'almost finished' for a few weeks now....holding onto it like it was a purdy feather cupped in my hand, a bit scared to give it up to the wind. but its time. since my vacay i've felt so much more trusting of my intuition, hopeful that all is happening as it should and very optimistic of change.

i've also spent the last few days reading a beautiful new book 'Taking Flight' by the lovely Kelly Rae Roberts and its given me much inspiration to let my creative dreams fly as they are meant to. her book has also brought about a 'whispering' that my creative spirit wants to paint. it wants to sing too for that matter (especially after singing with my sister in front of a campfire under the most beautiful starry sky)! photography has consumed for the last year (which i'm very thankful for) and my guitar sits lonely in the corner and my art desk is getting dusty. i don't know what weird logic made me think that i need to save all of my creative energy for one medium.

but at the same time i'm eager to move forward with photography. i'm gearing up to start advertising locally and to let add motion to this part of my life (and future). so without further ado....

welcome to:

Vivacious Photography

and do join the mailing list (in the top right corner) if you'd like to receive news in the future about my photography journey!
lots more news to come too. i'm still working on my Maternity/Newborn/Kidlet website and will have a big ol' Grand Opening when its all ready to fly!

wishing you a beautiful weekend!
heart,
v

home

2008-09-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

home again. here in between two purring beings. total bliss.

home again. there watching the sunset with my parents, siblings and our new found folks that feel like family.

in those two weeks in the country i felt beautiful, free, at home, adventurous and surrounded by hope. i walked around the city today in flowy clothes, feeling the cottage life still strong in system.

stories to share. a very important one about healing and moving on.

but first, rest and more cat cuddles....

on holidays

2008-08-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

i'm in toronto, anxiously awaiting my friends to wake up so we can continue the connecting, chatting and silliness. the two friends i'm staying with make me laugh more than anyone else in the world. tonight all of my toronto friends will gathered and i will likely feel like the luckiest girl ever surrounded by such unique, beautiful and quality human beings.

on sunday i will head up to owen sound to go to a folk fest with my mom (one i grew up going to, the first time being when i was a month old...yes...once upon a time i was that infant being welcomed into the world by music and being carried around by my hippy parents).

and then off to my mom's cottage in a lovely town called Southampton on the shore of Georgian Bay. I'll be there for most of two weeks along with the rest of the family. its been a while since we've all been together. i can barely wait for the sandy dunes, the beach swings, the cold water and the sunsets. i'll post pics if i can, but likely it will be a quiet two weeks with little internet and phone access. i could use that kind of quiet!

happy august and i hope the view from wherever you are is beautiful.

may your love light be so bright

2008-08-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

what you dream in the morning, may you dream at night
may your love light be so bright it diminish the darkness
that comes without warning and in no particular way
and threatens to blow you away

i wish i could tell you all the pain's in your head
that it all would be better if you'd just do what they said
but if the voice that is talking is never your own
then who's going to tell you that you've finally come home

~ferron

this week has been....dare i say....magical.
i've seen so many beautiful live performances that has my heart swelling and the songs in me asking for attentiveness. the exchange of energy between performer and audience (especially in the small intimate venues i go to) is so beautiful. kind smiles, so much laughter, unabashed appreciation, singing along, tapping toes, rocking out.

and serenading me through these days is this song, which is titled with one of my favourite words ever. resilience.

YES

2008-08-02T02:54:00.000-07:00

i've been pondering the word YES lately.
i know, a fairly simple three letter word we say dozens of times a day.
but you see...

for the last few years i've been working on connecting with the word NO.
my boundaries in life were dreadful and i've been working on building those walls where necessary and trusting my intuition when things are asked of me beyond my expected energetic output! during these years, the amount of energy i needed to keep for myself far outweighed what i had to give to others. it almost felt like i had 2 decades of excessive social output to recover from. but now i trust myself to make better choices and boundaries about what i have to give in this world. the part of me that is a 'giver' is finding different ways to give.

when i was first connecting with NO it was a very physical, tangible experience. if i didn't say it when my gut said to, I would get nauseous and my throat would feel constricted. this would happen multiple times a day. and it wouldn't go away till i dealt with what i needed to speak more truthfully about. i'm much better at saying NO now. it took serious practice to get it right, but now it comes easy.

but the need to say NO hasn't felt quite as important, now that it isn't such a difficult word to say to people. now that i'm not afraid of what their reaction to it will be. and putting up these boundaries has created a bit of a solitary protective existence for me, which served me quite well for a while. yet lately i've been wondering how to step out of these boundaries and take more risks again, trust that i won't fall into the arms of danger and will stay standing on my own two feet.

and so YES is re-entering my life.

when i think of YES, i can't help but recall this love story. it makes me cry every time i read it. i think of all the things that have manifested in these last few years and how much i want them to thrive once i truly let them out into the world. i think of how much of a romantic i am and that YES..i do want to meet and marry someone i can call MY LOVE. i think of all that i had dreamed that my life would be and how much more vibrant and beautiful it is turning out to be (even in my struggles).

so every day i am noticing how YES feels.

its not a ball of tension in my throat. rather it is singing with all i've got.
its not nausea. but its butterflies and blushing red cheeks as i welcome passion back into my life (or at least the prospect of it).
its engaged communication, generous smiles, kindness and being truthful.
and its that little dance i can't help but do (kind of a run on the spot pump my arms to the sky geeky kind of dance)

i'm not settling for contentment. i've got a heart that is slowly re-opening and a new way of being in this world.
though i will likely not tattoo it on my hand, i can already feel how much its thawing me.

its safe to let go again.
and its time.

so i say YES again to life.

folk fest revisited

2008-07-27T04:17:00.001-07:00

thoughts on 31

2008-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

31.
i confess it feels slightly different than 30. turning 30 was such a treat. it was a big sigh of relief after finally making it through the tumultuous 20's. and now i feel like i'm actually entering this decade of my life, not just celebrating on the cusp.
i'm happy to grow older (literally....i've always trusted i'd grow more and more into my self as i aged and feel less lost).

i look at this list from last year and realize i only did about 10 of the 30 things, but at the same time am amazed at how much beauty/growth/learning i packed into one year! making such a list is such a good jumping-off-point.

this year actually brought far more than i expected:
~feeling healthier and happier as the weeks went by
~continuing to develop my love for photography
~dreaming big and following through
~gaining so much confidence in taking pictures
~creating deeper connections with a few lovely friends
~going to school (part-time for photography) and loving it far more than i imagined (its the school part i sometimes struggle with)

goals for 31:
~keep listening to my intuition and taking care of myself
~embrace the travels and adventures this year holds (lots of time spent in california! and hopefully portland too)
~start to plan and manifest a trip overseas
~let spontaneity and passion back into my life and heart
~be open to love and connection
~open up more in friendships

and so it begins....

post-folk-fest-bliss

2008-07-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

i'm riding the wave of post-folk-fest-bliss
with occasional moments of realization that i have to wait another year for those 3 days of bliss

days where everyone checks egos and insecurities at the festival gate
where its so easy to be present with the plucking of guitars and
people singing with everything they've got
and for those 3 days i truly feel at home.

one thing thats keeping me from the post-fest-blues is a new album
by ferron which is produced and accompanied by bitch. ferron is truly one of the most phenomenal songwriters ever (in my very picky opinion)! one of the goals of bitch (really...thats the name she goes by) making this album is to bring ferron's music to a younger generation and this album exceeded my expectations in that way. its true ferron with a little extra sass!

spending 3 days with beautiful friends
doing the 2 things i love the most (experiencing beautiful music and taking beautiful pictures)
has just filled me with some serious full-heartedness.
and to top it all off, i'm 1 sleep away from one of my toronto lovelies coming to visit
and 2 sleeps from turning 31!!!!

8 songs that get me through...

2008-07-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the fabulous Magpie Girl I've compiled a list of 8 songs that
get me through the rough patches
help me breathe deeper
give me perspective
cry
not take it all so seriously
rise up and change
fill up the sore spots

8 songs that keep me going:

breathe in now ~ by george

sun again ~ by kinnie starr

you stay here ~ richard shindell

pick yer nose ~ ani difranco

mamma mamma ~ fruit

sing sing ~ serena ryder

rise again ~ stan rogers

what do you hear in these sounds ~ dar williams

you can go see them here

a love letter to an old friend

2008-07-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

dear vivienne (age 19)

i think of you a lot sweet girl.

you stand at the edge of what will be the most tumultuous decade of your life
and i'm barely stopping myself from bombarding you with all the things that i did wrong
that i wish i could change for you. but i can't.

you are also standing at the threshold of opening your heart in a way you've only dreamed of.
and trust me, it will be as cosmic and powerful as you had hoped for.
i won't tell you the specifics of the ending, and i wish i could whisper a few secrets into your ear to get you through
your first heartbreak a little more in tact. i so wish i could do that.

throughout the next decade you might think of your future self in me
and wonder how it that we will ever get past the anger and hurt.
the truth is, at the end of my 30th year i've forgiven almost all of it.
from each of those relationships that saddened and angered me,
i've come to remember in my heart why it was i was there in the first place
and let the power of that memory bring me to a place of forgiveness.

also knowing i will never let anyone treat my heart with manipulation or disrespect
helps me to walk forward. it was a collection of failures that i hope will lead me
to a future of success in the matters of the heart.

if only i was so forgiving of myself as i was them.
as what stands out now that the anger is gone is you.
i have so much regret for not protecting you.
for decisions that negated your beautiful naivity.
for choices that allowed your vulnerability to be taken advantage of.
for not standing up for you and not standing stronger in how your body should be treated.
you are so precious and beautiful and i did you wrong.
i feel like i failed you.

that is where i stand these days...trying to forgive myself and start again.

i can just imagine the me of ten years later looking back at this
seeing how much i yearned for love at 30 and didn't just trust it would come
seeing how precious and vulnerable and beautiful i was not only at 19 but at 30
and how there is always a moment that is perfect to start again.

so, sweet love, i'm sorry.
i know i'll do better for you.
and its time to move on to being a woman
and let the wounded girl go.

but i don't want to remember you as wounded.
i want to remember you standing tall with a heart shining pink like a rose quartz.
i want to think of you in your courageous moments, in the risks you took to love.
i want to think of you and your brightly coloured journals and big dreams.
for the last decade i missed you.
now i feel you here again in my authentic core.

i love you.

heart,
vivienne (age 31 in 17 days)

replacing the sore spots

2008-07-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

if i could go back i would do it all differently
replacing the sore spots with generosity and dignity
i would be kinder, more forgiving and more humble.

~kinnie star...from the song 'water in me'

art-in-motion

2008-07-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

i've been loving videos lately.
craving to make moving art.
feeling really inspired by such a vast diversity...

video a la sabrina:

i love sabrina's new 'true living' project and it sure does sing to my heart. seeing her work has got me so eager to turn my lil' camera onto video mode and start documenting the beauty of life as art.

joy nash is my new hero. i devoured every video she has up there. i think i need to watch these regularly cause they (and she, the way she exists so empowered in her body) bring me back to that place of loving myself as i am right now.

oh, the weepies. i really really love the 'making of hideaway' video the weepies made. and what surprised me was that even days later i was still thinking about one aspect of the video...seeing peoples creative spaces...where they make their music. mostly they weren't fancy and often in their homes. it brings home the notion that we need to make our art here, now. you don't need a fancy studio to make magic. you just need to do it. start. now! that got me moving things around in my home, making my art space more inviting and useful!

and this video reminds me that one's dreams sure-as-heaven-and-earth can come true. thats a dear pal of mine singing with cyndi lauper on the true colours tour. picture you and the person you admire most in your craft creating/performing/working together. dream big lovelies. here's the proof it can happen:

oh love.

2008-06-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

oh sweet love.

i was at the most bea-uuu-ti-fullll wedding this weekend. complete perfection.

its two days later and i'm still swooning over it (and the pictures of it of course).

it was the wedding of my friend F and her sweetie L. i didn't know quite what to expect of the wedding, being a relatively queer one. i say relatively as one of the quotes of the day was "they are not two husbands and they are not two wives". it you looked at the wedding from the outside you'd see a man and a woman at the altar but i think its more honouring of each of their own gender identities to say they are two people in love.

i think what blew me away was how much love there was in that space. there was no seperation of straight and queer, because we were all there because we loved and admired the people getting married. there was no seperation between family and friends because we all felt like each of those in that setting. most importantly, there was no drunk uncle (you know, the kind that is usual at most weddings) making homophobic jokes. it felt like a sacred space.

it made me think of all the places in the world where queer couples can't be together in public, let alone get married. it made me think of all people who feel like they can't tell their families about who they love. it made me grateful for my family. it made me grateful to have the right to live safely and openly as someone who doesn't define their love in gendered terms.

i wish L & F a lifetime of the love that existed in that beautiful day and all that brought them to that point. they have a beautiful love. i have an unyeilding and somewhat utopian belief in the power of love. its days like these that keep that belief strong.

ebb and flow

2008-06-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

i'm a grumpy girl this week. feeling much like i did when i wrote this post last november.

feeling like i could use a good cry, but am always kind of halfway there

mostly i just made a number of small mistakes in not expressing my needs this week that kind of came together in a big ouch-fest. re-learning all the time how to keep healthy boundaries.

one of the biggest lessons this week was about asking for what i need. i asked my parents and brother to check out my new website and give me feedback and constructive criticism. just as i requested, they gave me some feedback about what wasn't jiving, all things that i had also had been trying to figure out if i should change. but as soon as i got the feedback i realized i had made a mistake. what i actually should have asked for was some positive feedback and what i really wanted to hear from them is 'we are so proud of you'. but i didn't ask for that, and i got exactly what i did ask for. i need to be clearer with my heart.

so i'm feeling tender, trying to re-negotiate expressing what i need to people. its tough work. when i went through my depression i really didn't ask for help much. but now that i'm out of that state i so see how important, and okay it is to ask for help.

~i need support from my family

~i need friends to meet me halfway at least (i mean energetically, but also geographically...i live on the opposite end of town from most of my friends here and every so often i really need folks to take the lovely bus ride out here to visit me, rather than me always meeting them on their turf).

~i need to take more time in the coming week to just be alone

~i need to prioritize my creative ventures....they make me feel so alive.

its all ebb and flow, ain't it.

happy list

2008-06-15T15:23:00.000-07:00

~although its essentially a rather mellow collection of songs, two albums by Chris Pureka have made me incredibly happy over the last two weeks. surely i've listened to each of the albums a hundred times. if you see me with my ipod lately, you can be 99% sure its Chris serenading me. its her lyrics, her voice and her songs as whole entities. totally smitten.

~this post called 'investing in ourselves'by andrea scher came at the perfect time for me. i've been working on my website but had been really procrastonating with it. but after reading her post, i had a surge of beautiful motivation and its almost done my site. i'm excited to share it with you.

~baby smiles. my little pal accompanying this post is so full of smiles lately. he, his momma and i spend a lovely day together and filled my heart up with dozens and dozens of smiles. my other little pals (who's pics have accompanied other posts) are also smiling cheek to cheek. oh the beauty of babies!

~folk fest is a month and 3 days away. and the line up this year is phenomenal. my three favourite days of the year!

~the vintage polaroid that i'm a day away from winning on ebay. i'm crossing my fingers that it will become mine! i've been so inspired by polaroid lately....i can't wait to play!

~the photo trade. its so incredible to have a beautiful photo come into your mailbox each month and to know that yours may just be bringing the same joy to someone else.

wishing you loveliness,

wide open heart

2008-06-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

"my heart won't stay entirely in its rib caging". ~the weepies

sometimes when the moon is in leo (or life is just real good) i feel like i'm in love

i just want to take shallow breaths and soak in that feeling

for someone who has been single for a long time now, its so refreshing when that feeling returns

its a beautiful reminder that love isn't given to us by one person and is always there.

but this time that feeling has stayed for days now (and i don't actually know if the moon is in leo right now)

i'm revelling in feeling so in love with life

and the potential of love

i swear there isn't a sweetie creating this feeling in me

just feeling wide open to love

i'm just revelling in it while its here.

last night i had a lovely dream which had two of my past loves in it. so good to see each of them (as they each live very far away). though neither of those relationships were entirely successful long term, with each of them there was a unique love that was so true, pure and somewhat cosmic. i can get so easily caught up in feeling lonely, or thinking the struggles i had in past relationships. but really, so much has changed since i've been on my own. i don't expect to offer the same things in a relationship that i did 5 years ago.

i'm a much healthier me now. it felt wonderful to revisit these two people (even if only in dreamlife) and be reminded of the true-ness of the love that existed there once upon a time.

a few weeks ago on andrea's superhero blog she asked 'what would you like more of in your life' and i said responded saying that i would like to receive more love in my life (and not just in the usual ways).

and the universe listens doesn't it!

inspirations and learnings

2008-06-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

funk gone.

farewell.

bye bye.

funk removal techniques:

~play with makeup and get dressed, both on rainy days when staying in as well as fancy dinners with a collection of lovely people. i'm finally realizing that makeup and heels are about helping me feel beautiful not just beautifying me in a way that is expected of women (i've always been resistent to anything 'expected' of women). but yes, at age 30 i am finally learning how to wear makeup and getting crushes on boys. late bloomer, yes indeed!

~getting the most phenomenal package in the mail. its by far the best package to ever come into my mailbox (and i've received some serious mailbox goodness before!). for real....its hand painted canvas envelope sewed shut! it, and its sender, my amazingly talented artist friend caroline, are deserving of their own 'ode to caroline' post which is in the works, so ya'll will have to wait another day to find out what waa inside! thank you caroline...you are soooooo wonderful and i'm so glad we're back in each others lives!

~reading about jen lemen's journey in Rwanda and being so inspired by what her kind heart is spreading in this world. i so admire her and her journey. please check it out and i recommend starting back here and reading up to the present to experience it as it developed. it's so good to be able to donate to help Odette's family and community in Rwanda and to hear tales of strength, survival and radiance.

~house cleaning. messy house = messy me. though i'm not quite done, even a bit of organizing and cleaning while blaring beautiful music helps me tremendously.

~going to the gym. its been ages, but i need to remember how happy i am once i'm there...its the getting there thats hard! its such a rainy week here (surprise, surprise) and bike riding is just not an option so i've headed back to the local community centre to get my spirits up through sweating! i tend to forget how much working out keeps my moods balanced.

~doing two amazing and humbling photoshoots. the first was with the most lovely and amazing twins that i am so smitten with. they were such good lil' models and i learned a few tricks about photographing babies. i put a black blanket over their vibrating baby chair and it had a fabulous effect, almost making it look like a studio shoot. the vibration did wonders for keeping the babies happy! also, i learned that shooting right after a feed and before they get sleepy again was the most prime time!

~the second shoot of the week was with my friend (and photographic muse) z. we're working on an art project together and part of one piece is to have pictures of our backs (sans clothing).

z's has a full back tattoo so it was fabulous taking pics of her. then it was my turn. i had serious moments of self-doubt, but i felt so comfortable with her behind the camera and settled right into it. after we finished the backs i asked if she would help me take some backlit pictures for an assignment for my photography class. what was a simple task turned into some of the most gorgeous pictures we've done yet (a sample of it as seen above!). it felt amazing to realize that i can get studio style shots in people's living rooms!

~mondo beyondo dreaming. thinking about trips far away, beautiful expensive camera lenses, living in new places, acquaintances i'd love to have become friends, and big dreams for my future.

~i've also been thinking a lot about this new piece by the ever fabulous leonie. it sings to my heart so much and i've had that saying in my head all week. i have another piece by her coming in the mail right now, and i know it would only be the beginning of my collection of her work...this ones next for sure. she's a wonderous gift to the world!

much love,

fallen petals and unplanned paths

2008-05-31T11:47:00.000-07:00

i've got 3 half-written blog posts awaiting their emergence onto this page, but this whirlwind of a week has had its own plan.

~i've been working on my new website, which seems to take priority over things like email and facebook and yes, blogging. i'm excited to share it, but it is definitely still in development mode.

~i've been in a small funk...i think brought on by the wonderfulness of making a website and coming to that next level of commitment to photography. i find often when i'm at a threshold i somehow allow a crack (or cavern) of self-doubt to open up before i take that beautiful next step. self-doubt is a mighty powerful force and i'm still discovering what superpowers need to be developed to send it flying. but i'm walking forward through this funk-ness and can't wait to actually revel in the excitement of where my life is going!

~i haven't really been taking pics...no photoshoots for the last couple weeks and i feel it! its like when a musician leaves their guitar sitting in the corner. so i've been carrying my little point and shoot around more, taking pictures of every little thing. its important to come back to the core of why it is i fell in love with taking pictures...the observation of the small things, the pausing to gaze deeper, the feeling of never knowing what beauty you might find....i think i need to bring that little camera with me more often. and for that matter, my guitar needs some lovin' too!

~i'm off to a fancy-girl picnic today. i haven't been too social lately so it'll be so good to have a whole bunch of femmes in one place, all dressed in their saturday-afternoon-best!

i hope your day is beautiful.

reaching out

2008-05-19T18:19:00.000-07:00

i've been working hard this week to get myself out of that place of loneliness. i see how much i do create my reality and that if i'm not happy, its my responsibility to change it. some efforts to make this change include:

~calling those gem-of-a-human-being friends in toronto that i adore (one by one). its not nearly as hard to pick up the phone as i convince myself it is.

~printing out portraits of beloved friends here and afar and adding them to my inspiration board (also known as my fridge door!)

~inviting a lovely collection of vancouver folks to take part in a sunset and darkness photoshoot (which is a project for my photography class). taking pictures at dusk and then playing with flash, sparklers, flashlights and moonlight. i'm pretty excited about this and it seems like my model-friends are too! its now turning into a snack-potluck-sunset-watching-extravaganza.

doing photoshoots with friends has been such a great way of getting to know people in this city. its of widespread agreement that it tends to be hard to get to know people in this city. oh so true. i find that doing these photo shoots allows a trust to develop and a comfort between people. i've asked them to show their vulnerability and their beauty and i've shown it back to them through their own visual beauty. such a gift.

other things adding joy to my week:

~seeing wonderful blogger miss meg's wedding invitation post...so beautiful!

~ordering this print from the incredible goddess leonie's etsy site

~trying to decide on one of the gorgeous bludomain websites....so much beauty, i'm having a really hard time deciding!

i welcome its unfolding

2008-05-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

On this beautiful summer day my heart is thawing even more.

I am remembering the side of the road, the gas station, the black ice.

I am remembering the sadness filling up the car as she filled up the tank

the state of shock having full hold on my mind.

She (my sister) had been widowed only a few days and she said to me

“The only person you can really count on being there for you in this lifetime is yourself”.

She, being the closest person to me didn’t mean that we weren’t going to be there for each other. My life at that moment was all about being there for her.

But the reality is that as long as we are alive, we’d better be our own best friends, as that is the only person that we can truly know for sure will be there our whole lives.

I’ve held that statement as a truth ever since.

These days I’m feeling challenged in negotiating leaving a place of existence where I lived that statement (in the best possible ways). I’ve learned in the last few years to put myself first, to listen to my gut and most importantly to learn to be my own best friend and find joy in my own company. But I’ve come to the point where it is becoming clear that it isn’t enough. It is enough to survive but not to thrive. I’m at the transition point between this past and a future that grasps on to the connectedness of the universe, the energetics that don’t separate the me from the you. I have filled up the well of love in my heart as much as I can do alone. Now I need to open up to the giving and receiving of love that connects us all.

The friends I let closest to my heart live geographically far away.

Others I hold at arms length.

I ache to have a sense of family in my every day existence.

its not that there is not love in my life. i observe it and soak it in daily. but to let it deep into my heart, that is the tough part. i'm a pretty positive and optimistic person generally...but this is what lies beneath. we are all tender souls, aren't we.

I’m at a threshold. I can’t do it all alone anymore. I can’t live for a statement made in a point of the clarity we find in crisis. I need to welcome back the naievity that lives in the daily existence when we forget that one day it will all end.

I need to welcome back love into my life.

To not be on guard all the time, telling myself stories that re-instate walls.

I want to melt the loneliness

To discover what love exists in my present connections

To nurture the ones that have always been there for me.

I don’t abandon that statement, that the only person you can truly know will be there for you in this lifetime is yourself. Its so true. But I think the period needs to leave and be replaced by a comma, continuing to say that you need a circle of love around you to, to help you rise to that strength within yourself.

That is my new truth.

I welcome its unfolding.

finding love in my life

2008-05-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

i remember the first time i fell in love. i was 19 and it was love at first sight.

in that first year i so recall us coming to points every so often where it felt like we were moving to a new level. or perhaps it was like taking layers off of an onion, getting closer to the center. i still have a sensory memory of how that felt. how i knew that we could always go back to the playful unawareness of the 'level' before, but it was never quite going to be the same because we were going to a more aware and more fulfilling place.

coming home from my photography class tonight i felt a familiarity to that time. this intermediate class is going to challenge me, make me more knowledgeable, bring me to a more intimate place with this art form. i felt my heart swell, truly falling even deeper in love with seeing the world through the viewfinder.

it was a jam packed 3 hours of learning and i can barely wait to dig in deeper and progress. in the last month since my last class ended i felt the lull...felt kind of stagnant. i've always been way more of a self-taught person and have never had the best relationship with being schooled so it feels lovely to be soaking up schooling in a new way.

the life force has returned!

its been important lately to notice and welcome love into my life. since that show last week it when it felt like 'loneliness' had been spoken aloud i've felt a bit less lonely. i've also decided to be wide open to where life might take me next (especially geographically). and since then, since realizing i likely won't be in this city long term, since becoming open to a greater happiness in my life, i've been feeling much more present in the love that is here and now.

other things making my days feel hope-full and love-ly:

-waking up from a love-filled dream this morning. every so often i fall in love in dreamland and get to feel that love transition the space between dreamlife and waking. i had to hold off on my beloved morning tea just to offer more space for that love to exist. though i'm starting to think it is going to be one of those lucky days that i can keep connected to that space until i go to bed again. do you have those dreams that you just can't shake all day (in a good way)?

-visiting selftaughtgirl's lovely blog and reading a comment she made about my photographs! how wonderful is that to find out someone you admire thinks you do rad work! thanks kate!

-working on a collaborative art project with my lovely friend zinnia. we're mapping out our plan and its going to be fabulous. likely i will share lots more about that here, especially some of the writing prompts we are doing to get inspired.

-the preview for the movie 'the visitor'. i woke up today to a slightly grey day which makes it the perfect day for a movie!

-the fact that it is bike season again. me and the divine purple bike of gloriousness have been going on daily rides and as much of a mode of transportation as i can. my body is much appreciative.

-the fact that my term project for this class involves lots of photo work based around difficult lighting...part of which is taking pics and dawn and dusk. being back on planet night shift, i am often walking home at sunrise and i've been craving to get out more to take pictures at dusk. super excited for this project! apparently i'm going to need to take my tripod and camera everywhere i go!

wishing you love in your week.

Love Thursday: the right to love

2008-05-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Still soaking up thoughts of all the loveliness I experienced at a fundraiser last night. I tend to keep a part of myself away from this blog....and for that matter from a certain portion of my life.

I guess don't want any assumptions made when I talk about being queer, because for me queer is a really wide open word and my love in this world is wide open too.

But today, my love for my community is overflowing:

I wish you could have been there. To hear local super talented author Michael V. Smith. I wish I could share his words with you but I wouldn't dare misquote them. Plus, you'd need to hear them come from his mouth, standing there on stage in a wedding dress, speaking of loneliness and shame and courage. I wish I could show you how when he finished my eyes were welled up with tears and feeling like he had spoken to a very tender part of my heart. I looked aroun to seem my community of femmes sitting around me with their teary eyes, clutching their hearts too, and i felt less alone in this tough city.

I wish I could show you how a courageous a performer got up on stage and spoke about the two sides of themselves. They struggled mid performance, losing their place. I wish you could have felt the support in that silence. It was so tangible and so full of love.

I wish you could have heard how loud we shouted when three performers slowly removed binds from their bodies, signifying letting go of shame. On the binds were written things like freak, faggot, slut. I wish you could feel how empowering it was to watch this. I wonder what is written on the binds I have wrapped around my body. What about yours?

I love the beautiful sacred space that is created in a room of people who all want to be respected on their journey to live and love authentically.

I love that spoken on stage was thoughts on loneliness, shame, yearning to belong, the different sides of our selves.

I love how much courage I witnessed. Standing on stage baring your truth. Phenomenal.

I love how diversity is celebrated. I love how I see a fabulous woman on stage being sexy and fabulous and realize that she has a very similar body to me. I feel mirrored and empowered.

I love how for one night being cool seemed to have been checked at the door. Folks felt so kind and welcoming and present. so refreshing!

I love how proud I feel about this part of my life. I think about how it has molded so many good parts of my life. Seeing beauty in diversity, accepting myself and others, challenging gender norms and loving the masculine and the feminine in people.

I love how at home I felt. I've been looking for that in this city for a while. Even if it was just for one night, it healed me a bit.

I love my community. I will always be queer. Even when surrounded by my future babies and the man I love (if that is what the future holds for me) I will be queer. Because being queer isn't only about who you are attracted to.

To me it is about finding your freedom and authenticity.

To me it is about finding your resilience and courage.

It is about remembering who fought for their lives just for the right to love.

jump for joy

2008-04-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

i had a most lovely impromptu photo shoot yesterday with some sweet friends who were staying with me for one day of their cross country travels. they are just smitten with each other, which inspired me to inquire if they'd be into a photo walk...and of course they were.

one of my favourite things to do at a shoot is to get folks to jump or dance around. they always love the pics (and i do too) and it gets them comfortable.

here's a few more bits of loveliness!

other bits of loveliness bringing me joy this week:

~the new weepies album full of pure gorgeousness!

~receiving this picture via the photo trade i completely did a dance o' joy when i opened the picture (and feel like a super lucky photo trader!)

~these gorgeous sounds from the swell season (the folks who starred in and made the music of the movie 'Once')

~visiting the gigantic garden near my home and getting lost in blossoms like this and this

~beginning an art collaboration with a lovely friend that i have been making art in the company of for the last year. i love the natural progression to making collaborative art. lots of tasks to do this week for that (what wonderful work!)

~working (i'm a postpartum doula) with the most wonderful tiny twin girls (not even at their due date yet). having them curl up on my shoulder is total bliss and their mom is a gem!

~receiving a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my friend who's labour i attended!

~consuming the last of my stumptown coffee. i think i'll be quitting coffee again until my next portland visit...nothing quite compares to stumptown!

discovering my sensibilities

2008-04-20T11:37:00.001-07:00

i woke up on the right side of the bed this morning.

i can't explain it much better than that. its not that i was more alert in my pre-coffee state or that i'd had any more sleep than usual. its just that it felt like things just fit into place today.

i'm still working mega hard today finishing off the images from the photoshoot. this is my first real experience in processing for a client. i mean, they are all my friends, but this is a paid gig and i'm learning so much about how to manage a workflow and to select specific images for the client.

as i mentioned in the last post, it started out rough, but i've found myself in the groove of processing photos, listening to what the image needs (if it needs any change at all!).

it reminds me of when my sister and i worked together as gardeners on the golf course years back. when it was time to plant we'd put all of the plants in place, then step back and view them. she liked to call it something to the effect of 'meeting our sensibilities'. i thought it was a bit ridiculous at first, being so anal about whether a salmon coloured flower should be one inch to the left or right, but the truth of the matter was that it did help develop a bit of an artistic sensibility in me. did it feel right? what could we change to make it sit well with us?

my 'sensibilities' are put to use in the post-processing. i'm not making decisions because of some theoretical idea. i'm not just letting the auto-fix do it for me. i'm changing the darkness and light and colour saturation or adding texture until i feel that 'YES' come out of me. thats what makes this part of the process art i suppose. its a sort of playfulness with the image, listening to what it needs, sometimes challenging it, drawing something out of it that wasn't there before or just letting it be. sigh. i love it. delicious work.

over at shutter sisters today the post is about the 'small is beautiful' manifesto. i joined in on this crew the moment i read about it, soon after the lovely Magpie Girl and Jen Lemen started it. i've never been one to watch how many people visit here (not that even know how to check that!) and i do love when comments are left. i, as i'm sure with many others, simultaneously love and struggle with blogging. part of me wants to connect with the amazing circle of artful bloggers and another part of me misses just sitting cross legged with my black covered journal, keeping all these thoughts to myself.

i think a lot about why i blog. i feel like it tends to be a mirror of how i am in the real world sometimes. how much am i showing of my authentic self in a post and in real life? do they match up? am i hibernating from both reality and the blog world? am i reaching out to friends and getting involved with the SPC or at Shutter Sisters? for me they are often similar in paths.

i much appreciated Sarah-Ji's post at Shutter Sisters about how the idea of 'small is beautiful' also speaks to being a photographer. it was an idea that i think i needed to hear! i get way ahead of myself sometimes in picturing my own success (though i think its healthy to do so....as i've never been so confident about anything in my life! quite the opposite in fact.) but then at times I have bouts of the blues and the 'i'm kidding myself' downer moments. i don't want to make myself feel like where i am right now is anything less than wonderful and being present in that allows me to be present in why i fell in love in love with this medium in the first place...which is because it helps me to feel present and alive! i want to succeed and grow, but i want to revel in the place where i am right now and be thankful for what I have learned so far.

for me, small is beautiful means

standing in who you are right here, right now

living in the moment and letting your authentic self out

being adults in a way, not trying to be the coolest kid in the class, but just being you.

connecting to people, individuals, through these wonderful artistic mediums

finding what it is you have to give to the world.

as i wrote that last paragraph the cd i'm listening serenaded me with these words.

she said look at the stars in the darkness

can't you feel why we're here?

look a the sun on the water

could the truth be any more clear?

she said don't be afraid to be silent

don't be afraid to be big and loud

don't be afraid to walk softly

don't be afraid to be proud

she said dance with all your being

cry your most passionate tears

hold your life like the treasure it is

and let it go without fear.

we will bear witness to it all.

it felt like a bit of serendipity to hear these words as i write this post. they are from the song 'Witness to it All' by the Wyrd Sisters. And they really embody what it is to be a 'small is beautiful' blog and to be our authentic selves living on this gorgeous earth.

i hope your sunday holds much beauty.